The follow-up.

I started writing this post on June 22 but have not come back to complete it until now…

I FINALLY had my follow up appointment – for my March cycle. Yes, you read that correctly. As previously mentioned, my clinic does not reach out to you after a cycle; therefore, it has always been up to me to call them when I am ready. This time it took a little longer for me to reach out and give them a call. When I did, the receptionist asked me if I really needed an appointment or if I could just email her the questions that I had for the Doctor and she would review them with my RE and get back to me. So that’s what I did. I had quite an involved list of questions because, you see, we only have 3 embryos left. Three tries and that’s it as far as I can see. Even if we could as our friend (and egg donor) to go through the process again, we couldn’t afford it; and honestly, I’m not sure if she’d even be willing.

So I sent her the email with our list of questions. It took her a number of days to get back to me, just to have her leave me a voicemail telling me that I indeed need an appointment, she offered me a date (which obviously did NOT work within my schedule as I was out of town speaking at a conference), and proceeded to tell me that she hopes that date works for me as my RE is about to go on a month long vacation and fitting in an appointment right now is difficult. Excuse me?! It wouldn’t have been so difficult if you had booked me an appointment three weeks ago when I had originally asked for one!! I informed her that I would not be able to make the appointment she gave me but she was able to re-book it for the following week; which, happened to be yesterday.

My anxiety began creeping in a week leading up to the appointment. Not that I felt I had anything to worry about, just that it was bringing everything back to reality – you see, I had been sticking my head in the sand since March and had ignored the whole process. Now it was time to face it all over again. Yesterday morning, I woke up at 5:30am and was on the road by 6:15am to make the drive to my clinic for 9am. I really don’t like being late so I gave myself just shy of 3hrs to make the 1h40m drive. Yeah, I’m crazy like that, plus I knew I would be facing some big city rush hour traffic as well so it allowed me for some slowdowns. Well, let me tell you – I was fifteen minutes late for my 9am appointment because of all the traffic/accidents on the way. Cue the stress and anxiety. As my clinic is downtown, I also take the subway system part of the way so that I only have to face the highway craziness, not the downtown drivers as well. Being late meant that I had to RUN the 5 blocks from the subway station to my clinic; and, let me just say – I sweat on a cool day, sitting still…let alone on a high humidity sunny day, running 5 blocks. It was not a pretty sight.

My appointment didn’t get much better from there. Thankfully, I love my RE, he has always been amazing and comforting with everything that we have faced. I apologized to him for being late and his response was “I think we have a long enough relationship for you to be late once!” I appreciated the sentiment but immediately we jumped straight into the deep end of our conversation. He started by telling me that if money weren’t an issue, ideally he would move to discussing surrogacy as this would be the easiest solution for us bringing a healthy baby into this world.

Have you, dear reader of this blog, ever fallen on your back and had the wind knocked out of you? Well, that’s how it felt. 

He immediately clarified that he was not giving up on me, nor would he ever do so; however, it made things very clear as to where his thoughts stand and the likelihood of us ever being successful. Three embryos. That’s it, that’s all we have to work with.

My RE had printed out my list of questions I had sent ahead and went through each point one by one, explaining why we should or shouldn’t try each item. We discussed a number of different medications and have settled on adding in a blood flow medication closer to transfer, in addition to a high dose of ibuprofen and an extra shot of PIO to reduce my uterus from cramping at the time of transfer. We will continue to do the Estrace tablets and patches, as well as the POI injections, and aspirin. He mentioned Viagra again but my last cycle was my most successful lining thickness and we didn’t use the Viagra so he let me off the hook for that one! It’s probably the worst for me, symptom-wise, so it’s best if I don’t have to take it. We will also complete Matris testing again prior to transfer to check the quality of my lining.

He brought up the possibility of doing ERA testing (Endometrial Receptivity) which I’m a bit hesitant to do at this time. He doesn’t think it’s necessary at this point, stating that if we only had one or two embryos he might be more apt to push it. We talked about how our last cycle may have just been a byproduct of statistics; something I had wondered about all along. My lining had been the thickest they had seen it, the embryo looked beautiful, transfer went off without a hitch; yet for some reason our pregnancy test was negative. In my heart I believe it’s because of statistics. Each of our previous cycles had resulted in at least a positive pregnancy test (even if we haven’t made it further than that…) so what were the chances of another positive test when only 60% of transfers work in the first place.  I’m also hesitant to complete the ERA testing because of the cost. The test itself is $1075 to have done PLUS the cost of a cycle’s worth of medication – all to wind up not completing a transfer. Then, if my endometrium isn’t receptive, would I not have to repeat the process again, have another biopsy, spend all the money just to confirm that my endometrium IS receptive on whichever day they think it is?! We just don’t have the money for this right now, just going through with another FET cycle will be pushing our limits right now, so to me, at this stage, it would feel like throwing away money that we don’t have.

So as things stand, we are hoping to go ahead with a cycle starting in September. We’ve taken the summer to just enjoy ourselves, and each other, without the added stress. I think this is the best option for us right now as summer always helps me to refill my happy-meter. I’m nervous about starting another cycle, yet itching to get going. Being in this holding pattern is an odd feeling because part of me feels like we’re wasting time, even though I know it’s what is best for us.

Hope everyone has been enjoying their summer so far!

xo.

5 days a week.

As previously mentioned, we are on a a pause; the length of which is still yet to be determined. During this time, I have decided I need to bring some normalcy (and sanity) back into my life.

Over the course of my adult years, I have regularly had an on-again off-again relationship with the gym. I started to remain more regular with my gym attendance over the two years leading up to our first (DE)IVF cycle and it became a lifestyle for me; one which I really enjoyed. I felt stronger and healthier than I had in years. That being said, my weight still fluctuated as it would be an understatement to say that I. LOVE. FOOD. But I was healthy and was not overweight in any sense of the word.

After our first failed cycle, I began doing some reading and found that maybe I shouldn’t be pushing myself so hard at the gym. I spoke to my RE about it and was informed that I could do more body weight style exercises but I should slow down on my cardio and weights. Unfortunately, I struggle when it comes to balance and I started to get it in my head that if I couldn’t do what I wanted at the gym, there was no use in going at all. I spent nearly 8 months being extremely sedentary and eating all of my emotions. Very quickly I started to notice changes in my body; I was no longer balancing my love for food with keeping active. It got to the point that walking up a set of stairs was making my heart rate increase quite a bit – something I hadn’t experienced since my high school/college years.

I have been ashamed of how sedentary I’ve been, how much weight I’ve gained (I would need to lose 20lbs to get back to where I was when I used to think I needed to lose weight!!!), and honestly, where I’ve let my mental health get to. You see, I began really taking the gym seriously after struggling with migraines and headaches for a spell of FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT(!) – every hour of every day without relief. After seeing my family doctor every other day for weeks, and then a CT scan and referral to a neurologist, it was discovered that I was actually just suffering from tension headaches. Awful, horrible tension headaches caused by stress. Rather than choosing to medicate constantly (which would barely even touch the pain), I worked out and the tension began to ease. So even when I started to wane in my interest with the gym, within a week I would get a headache that would send me back to work out.

Undeniably, physical fitness does such amazing things for my mental health. Silly me, let this coping mechanism go by the wayside during THE most stressful time of my life; and my mental health suffered considerably. My anxiety has increased, I have struggled with feelings of mild to moderate depression, and, as previously mentioned, my relationships have suffered as well; compounding the aforementioned issues. I have tried a couple of times to get back to the gym between our December and March cycles, as well as following the most recent failed March cycle; however, nothing seemed to work for me.

I was struggling with some significant anxiety related to the gym because, as it was later pointed out to me, it felt like just another area of life in which I had failed. Prior to (DE)IVF, I had always been a leader at the gym amongst my girlfriends; creating workouts and pushing them to keep going. While I had relegated myself the my couch for eight months, my girlfriends had actually kept going together and were well beyond my current fitness level. This has been rather difficult for me to accept.

So nearly a month ago, I made the decision to switch gyms and it has made a WORLD of difference. I feel like my girlfriends struggled with this decision but they have come to accept that it was what I needed to make the change in my life. The new environment has been motivating and I am 100% happy with my decision. Since starting, I have been attending the gym 5 days per week and have already noticed a significant change in my mental health and physical fitness level. Now, in saying this, I still haven’t lost one pound on the scale – in nearly four weeks – which at times is extremely frustrating; however, I am stronger and happier. I know the rest will come in time.

How I’m failing.

This post could be focused on so many different aspects. Failing to get pregnant, failing to let it be, failing to save more money, failing to keep the weight off… the. list. goes. on. What I’m actually want to focus on is how I’m failing everyone around me.

 

Infertility is hard. Staying sane through infertility is hard. Keeping even a shred of your former self is hard. Over the last year, I have come to realize that I have been drowning; however, it has been a slow realization. A part of me thought that I was handling things rather well, and maybe considering the shit storm that is infertility, I actually am; just not in everyone else’s eyes. I know it’s easy to brush this off (as I have done for the better part of a year) and rest on the fact that I need to focus on me throughout this journey and who cares what everyone else things because THEY JUST DON’T GET IT. This is 100% true; however, I have tried very hard not to let infertility become my whole identity. Since I have been drowning in my own feelings, I have forgotten about the feelings of those around me and the affect that this has had on them.

 

I have been having some rather difficult conversations over the last month with those that I love and have been failing. My husband, my closest friends, and my family.

 

My husband and I do not fight a lot. Communication is key for the place we work and as a result, we do our best to communicate as effectively as possible at home too; unfortunately, because I have been in cycles and so emotional, there have been some things that my husband has just chose not to bring up. He finally shared those thoughts and feelings with me and although it hurt, it hurt mostly because I didn’t realize the ways in which I was neglecting him and hurting him with my actions or non actions.  I have been doing my best to take what he said and work toward making improvements. It helps that I haven’t had an abundance of hormones in my system lately and am able think a little more clearly. He wasn’t rude in telling me, he didn’t use mean words; yet I knew that he was feeling hurt and left behind. It’s hard that the focus has been on me for the better part of a year and although I tried to check in with him to see how he was doing, I didn’t do everything I could to really ensure that he was okay too.

 

Two of my really close girlfriends (one was my maid of honour and one I became super close with in the years following our wedding) are aware of my infertility journey. I’ve spoken about each of them before as they have always made an effort to be supportive but aren’t always sure how to do so. They both have two children each. They both live a different life than I do because of those children. Don’t get me wrong, I love their children, one of which is my Godson whom I absolutely adore; however, as you all know, it is not easy being around children when you’re going through this process. Mix that with me getting frustrated about having to schedule my life around their ‘mom schedules’, it all became too much. I spent more time at home, and spent more time segregating myself from others; to the point that I would just binge watch tv shows because it was just easier than hanging out with people. As time passed, I became jealous of their friendship with each other – which I know was just a product of my actions, the fact that they are both at the same place in life and their schedules lined up much easier with each other. I was sad that they were working out together the whole time while I was staying out of the gym to try to benefit this infertility process.

 

Both of these girls are amazing friends and I don’t know what I would do without them; it’s hard knowing that I have been pushing them away for so long and the effect it has had on our friendships. I approached my best friend a few weeks ago, on a particularly low day and burst into tears, telling her that I was worried that I was losing her, that I knew it was my fault, but I had absolutely no idea how to make things better because I was so wrapped up in this infertility bullshit. She assured me that she wasn’t going anywhere, that she was still my person, and that we could work it out. Since then, I have been putting forward a better effort to be a better friend and be there for her, as much as she has been for me.

 

Just this week, I spoke to my other friend while we were working a shift together. It was hard because she’s not as outwardly with her emotions and it was difficult to get her to really open up and be honest with her feelings. I knew I had hurt her with my actions and really wanted to sincerely apologize so that we could begin moving forward and getting back to where we used to be.

 

I have another friend who is long distance, she lives about 4 hours away from me and we only see each other 2-3 times a year. Again, since I have been so wrapped up in my own shit and have become reclusive, I have let our friendship down. Another failure of mine. When in a cycle I internalize everything and it’s hard for me to open up. I’m physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted all of the time and have very little energy for anything. I’ve allowed this to keep me from reaching out as much as I should, and that’s not right or fair to her. Since we don’t see each other very often, I need to be making my best effort. It’s been obvious that I’ve upset her too, so I have been making more of an effort to reach out to her and keep in touch.

 

Infertility sucks. It’s hard to navigate. Half of the time I don’t know my own feelings and yet I’ve put expectations on others to be able to navigate them when they’re around me. How is that fair?  I have started working on me again lately, and with that, working on who I am as a wife, a friend, and a co-worker. Let’s hope I can stop letting people down, because, honestly, I want these people to still be in my life when this infertility journey is over; I have sacrificed so much during this journey and I don’t want these relationships to be on that list.

The Pause.

I know I have been MIA for a while, mostly because there hasn’t been anything to say on the TTC front. We’re on a pause. We’re not sure how long this pause will last at the moment as I haven’t even spoken to our RE for a follow up to our last cycle yet. As I’ve previously mentioned, our RE/Nurse/Clinic does not even make a follow up call after final bloodwork of a failed cycle; it’s up to us to make contact. My husband and I still need to sit down and come up with a list of questions to ask when we do call in. I have started one, but need his input to make sure I am not missing anything. In the mean time, we’ve been getting quotes for roofers in our area as our shingles are literally flying off our roof at an alarming rate; the best part is that it has not stopped raining in weeks it seems so if it wasn’t leaking before, it probably is now.  Some days I hate adulting.

 

Following our failed cycle, I chose not to go back on birth control for a bit (something that I have ALWAYS been on as a hormone replacement #bumovaries) to see just what my body might do on it’s own. The answer to that folks is NOTHING. My body chose to do NOTHING on it’s own. I shouldn’t be surprised, but like always I held out a little bit of hope that I might get a natural cycle (without ovulation as I don’t have eggs). Well, thinking back I guess it’s unfair to say that my body did nothing, what it did manage to do was start going through menopause. See, that is why I have been on hormone supplementation since I was 11 years old; my ovaries suck so I have been keeping menopause at bay constantly since then with the use of birth control. Let me tell you, menopausal hot flashes are no joke (I cannot tell you how much jokes about hot flashes/menopause piss me off – if only people knew how shitty it all is…). Not only have i been experiencing hot flashes, but I have also been experiencing dryness *ahem* down there. After not having sex for the six weeks of our cycle, this is not something that is welcomed. So finally, after 36 days, I decided enough is enough and started back on birth control. It’s been a week now and yet I’m still dealing with the hot flashes. I guess patience is a virtue…

 

I have been talking with my close friend about different medications and approaches that we might want to consider moving forward to help with thin lining and implantation issues. She is dealing with very similar situation and has been excellent in the research that she has been doing. I’m guilty in of getting tired of reading the same information over and over again and sometimes take a break from it; whereas she sticks to it and tends to stumble upon new ideas. So my list of questions/suggestions is growing for my RE and I guess I need to get on with booking a follow up appointment with him so we can start working on a plan. A plan that probably won’t be implemented until the end of summer, but we shall see.

 

It’s not easy taking a break, yet at the same time I think it’s necessary. My husband refers to me as a fighter that he, as a coach, keeps putting back into the ring no matter how beat up I get. He feels bad and wishes that there is more he could do. He’s wonderful and it’s good that he makes me step back and breathe every now and then; otherwise, I’d be jumping head first into the next cycle and that might not be best for my mind, body, spirit or wallet.

Sometimes it takes the person you love, not just to pick you back up, but to hold you back from the fight once in a while. 

FET #3 – My journey through the 2WW.

(Written March 28th, 2017)

My last two weeks have been long – to say the least. We had our transfer on March 14th – hubby’s birthday. I had taken the rest of the week off to relax as my RE had recommended being on bed rest from Tuesday after transfer to Thursday anyway. The first day and a half I felt no different than usual; however, after that I started feeling the cramping and twinges. I had all sorts of symptoms as the two week wait progressed; including: cramping, twinges, nausea, headaches, bloating, tender and enlarged breasts, sensitive teeth, dizziness, heart palpitations, crazy vivid dreams, tiredness, and I was constantly aware of something going on in my uterus/lower abdomen area.

(Written April 11, 2017 – I started writing this post fourteen days ago and have been struggling to keep with it and finish putting my thoughts down in writing; however, I will try to get everything out of this brain of mine today.)

Regardless of all of the symptoms that I listed above, I had convinced myself that this cycle had not worked. This was our third frozen embryo transfer, with some degree of implantation occurring in the first two transfers, I struggled with the odds of a third cycle having implantation – just based on IVF statistics alone. My hubby on the other hand, was staying positive for the both of us; he couldn’t even begin to believe that the cycle hadn’t worked considering all of the symptoms I had been experiencing.

On 5dp5dt and 6dp5dt I had been tempted to test at home but I was able to hold off. I have always tested before going to the clinic for my official blood test day; often testing 4+ times before beta. This time; however, I was so convinced that it had not worked that I didn’t want the fantasy to be shattered any earlier than it had to be so I held off – not one single at home test was taken. I waited the whole FOURTEEN days (not 8, not 10, not 12….FOURTEEN). Luckily test day fell on a day that I was off so I knew I would be able to take time after getting the news which is usually not the case for me.

I drove to the clinic bright and early that morning and had my blood taken and was on my way back home within 3 minutes. I was the only person in the waiting area that morning which seemed really odd. I had asked a friend to lunch that day so that I would have some sort of distraction while my husband was sleeping from his midnight shift as I expected the call to come in the late afternoon as it usually does. By 9:45 my phone was ringing and it was the clinic. The fantasy of the two week wait had come to a dead halt – it was negative. No matter how much you prepare yourself, it doesn’t make it any easier. And oddly enough, even with my previous chemical pregnancies there had always been a smidgen of hope after receiving that first call, even if the numbers didn’t look good, at least they were there.

This brings me to the past two weeks. My hormones took a few days to balance out, the bleeding came hard and fast after stopping the meds and lasted for only three days. I usually start birth control right after each cycle as I don’t have a natural cycle and the pills have always supplemented my hormones; however, this time still have not yet started them. I’m not sure if I’m just feeling rebellious or want to see what my body will do without them…but I should probably consult my RE eventually. My clinic does not reach out to me after a failed cycle. My beta phone calls are the last I hear from anyone – and those are done at a monitoring clinic. I’ll need to get in touch with them soon but I feel like we’re going to be taking a little bit of a break for now as our house is in need of new shingles on the roof and that doesn’t come cheap. Unfortunately, like many others in this world of infertility, we’re going to have to pick between a roof and a cycle at this point and if we don’t get a roof soon, water could cause more damage and make things even more expensive in the future. Life choices suck and being an adult is hard. I’m done for today.

I’m not sure about you… But I feel like this pic of duct tape represents me a lot throughout this whole process 😂. 

FET#3 – Cycle Day 30 (?)

I’ve lost track but I think it’s day 30?! It feels as though a lot has happened since I last made time for this keyboard and posted an update on Cycle Day 8; I think I’m overdue, so I’ll start right where I left off.

On CD 10 I returned to the clinic for another scan and bloods. My lining stuck true to it’s nature and had only grown to 4.3mm. The clinic called that afternoon and instructed me to stay on the same dose of Menopur as planned and return on CD 14 for another check. Well a lot of good that seemed to do, when I returned for a lining check, my measurement was 3.6mm!!!!!! WTF?! I resigned myself to having this cycle cancelled like our fresh cycle had been. I had actually convinced myself two appointments ago that they would call to cancel so this was the deciding factor, I figured. How could it not be?! We had given Menopur a try but let’s face it, my lining was not responding to it and it was time to cut our losses.

When they called that afternoon and the nurse gave me instructions to stop the Menopur, as expected; however, I was a little shocked when she told me to start taking 8mg Estogen (vaginally) per day and start with 100mg Estradot patches every day. Wait, what?! They were continuing my cycle but I just convinced myself it was a last ditch effort before they cancel and waste the whole thing. I did as instructed and was asked to return on CD 21 for another scan and bloods. Let me tell you, my last post talked about the side effects of being a constant blubbery mess; well, that was absolutely caused by the Menopur. The day I stopped taking it, I stopped crying but as the Estrogen entered my body – the bitchiness started – something my husband would agree with lol.

 

Anyway, as I drove to the clinic at 5:50am on CD21, I resigned myself one more time for them cancelling the cycle later that day and went into the scan with ZERO expectations.

Can you imagine my damn surprise when the nurse informed me that my lining was over 7mm! Let me just say this, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS THING WE CALL THE HUMAN BODY. I don’t get how it works but for once mine decided to show up to the fucking party!!! A few tears slipped out as I laid there having the scan done – and at one point the nurse had to tell me to lay my head back down and relax as she couldn’t get a clear picture – ha!

They called me later that day to tell me to continue on the same meds and then the next day I was to take a trigger shot (10,000mg of HCG) “just in case” my bum ovaries had decided to do something while I had been taking the Menopur. Two days after the trigger shot, I started PIO 50mg each evening. Three days after that, I was scheduled for another Matris Scan to check the quality of my lining and I began taking Medrol (a type of prednisone) that I am to be on for 5 days total. The scan results came back the next day and my result was 7 out of 10! Anything over 7 is considered good. Our last cycle, my RE transferred even though my results came back at 6 out of 10 because with my shitty lining, he figured it was the best we were ever going to achieve, so needless to say, I was pretty pumped.

Finally, on CD 29 (?) we went in for our FET #3! They were calling for a huge winter storm in our area throughout the day of our transfer yesterday so we only drove halfway and took the train for the second half of our trip as the highway can get quite messy in bad weather. By some miracle though, the storm didn’t really start until we got back home. Our transfer went off without a hitch this time and for now I am officially PUPO again.

Fingers crossed yet again.

FET #3 – Cycle Day 8…

On Friday I had the Endometrial Scratch….OW. I wouldn’t put it at a 10/10 on the pain scale but for the brief 15 seconds that everything was happening, it was pretty damn close! I just bit down on my hand to stifle my scream and took some deep breaths to get through it. As my RE told me before hand, “there are going to be two people in the room and neither of us will want to be there.”  I think he was pretty spot on. The cramping and spotting lasted the rest of the day but was fine by Saturday.

I had a brutal cold that lasted all weekend so I had trouble trying to figure out if the headache I was having was from all of the nasal congestion or if it was due to the medication. Luckily, I’ve figured it out now – it’s definitely from the medication as it has stuck around. Two nights ago I went to bed at 8:30pm; I was a sobbing mess. I stood in front of my husband crying and asking him to make me feel better. I had had enough and it was SO painful. I’m a migraine sufferer and have gone through phases where I have a tension headache for, literally, months; however, there are few headaches that have brought me to full on tears as this one did.

Though, now that I think back, it might have something to do with the fact that since I have begun taking Menopur, I have turned into a blubbering mess. Quite seriously, I cry at the drop of a hat these days. On Saturday, while laid up on the couch all day with the cold – I cried FIVE TIMES before noon!!! Whether it was a sappy commercial or movie, or just my puppy being super sweet; it did not matter, it brought me to tears. 

Now, I have had heightened emotions during previous cycles as well, but this has brought it to a whole new level. Thankfully, I seem to be able to avoid such breakdowns at work so far and hope very much to keep it that way due to my chosen field.

Yesterday, I went for my second set of scans and blood work. My husband had to come with me this time as we needed to sign all of our consent forms by Monday (yesterday) in order to continue with our cycle. I’d like to point out that we were given our consent forms on Thursday and had been asked to complete them by my Endometrial Scratch on Friday (again, we were told that we would not be able to continue with the cycle if we didn’t have them completed by that day); however, they require the signatures to be witnessed by someone at the clinic OR by a Notary! My husband was not able to accompany me to the Endometrial scratch as they had given us less than 24 hours notice for that appointment and I was already having to take time off work to go and we were working opposite shifts on Thursday – so how the heck does one manage to get the consent forms signed and witnessed within that short time frame?! The answer – we didn’t have them done by Friday. I had him sign the forms anyway and I brought them in but informed them of the circumstance. My RE was able to smooth everything over for my Endometrial Scratch to go ahead as planned but told me I would need to have the forms completed properly and submitted by Monday at the latest. This means either travelling back to the city (2 hour drive in each direction just to sign some documents in front of someone at the clinic), find a Notary that was open over the long weekend (yes, Monday was a holiday here so nothing was open then either), or my husband could accompany me bright and early for my scan appointment on Monday to our monitoring clinic.

My lining measurement has always been a source of apprehension for me as I’ve always had trouble. As my RE says “kid, no doubt you are talented in a lot of different areas – but growing a lining isn’t one of them!” (Don’t worry, I love my RE and in no way do I find this hurtful or offensive, he actually manages to make me laugh EVERY time I see him.) I had a bit of an internal panic moment when I looked at my file and my measurement was noted to be 0.4!!! I had a bit of a heart attack while thinking to myself that it might be a little earlier than I am used to having scans, but usually am scanned around CD10 and have at least 4mm(ish). For nearly three hours (even after getting to work and trying to distract myself with other tasks…) I was under the impression that I had the thinnest lining on the face of the earth. …And then I realized that my clinic has always recorded my lining measurements this way and that in fact my lining IS measuring at 4mm as they record their results in centimeters! I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten this from previous cycles and had spent so much time freaking out; oh, I think my brain is broken!

So I have calmed down significantly, I’m actually feeling a little hopeful as this scan was about three days earlier in the cycle than usual so my lining *might* actually be behaving better this time?! I don’t want to set myself up for failure but I’m letting a little bit of the hope shine through. I go back for another scan and blood work on  Thursday so we’ll see then how it’s going. I haven’t been for any acupuncture yet as it hasn’t fit into my schedule/budget for the past two weeks and now I don’t know if I should hold off to see if everything is going fine without it and save a little bit of money if it is OR risk having my lining not respond as well without it….BAH!

On a more positive note,  since the day it arrived in the mail,  I have been wearing a bracelet that I received this Christmas which has meant so much to me. Through this blogging world,  I have found someone that really gets it. We have such similar stories and experiences that it’s actually kind of crazy when we compare similarities. She sent me this bracelet and it’s a constant reminder of strength this  cycle and it’s helping me to believe that our wish will one day come true. I am beyond greatful for the many people the blog has brought into my life! 

XO ❤️