Ranty McRantypants

Or Sir Rants-A-Lot. Either nickname will suit me just fine for the following post. You’ve been warned as I can’t guarantee where my thoughts will go as they pour out onto the page, but I’m sure it’ll be very sweary.

Well folks, we just wrapped up FET Cycle #5 (which I hadn’t yet brought myself to post about; however will do so in the near future when I feel more up to it). Wrapped up, as in it’s over. This means that we are down to TWO embryos left from our dear egg donor. Our last two. If you’ve never felt the impending doom of ‘WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?!’ I am jealous. I don’t wish this feeling on anyone, ever. I’ve had two chemical pregnancies, two failed cycles, and one cancelled cycle – the day before transfer. That makes four embryos that I’ve wasted, my body has rejected. That leaves two left to work with – and really, why the fuck would it suddenly work better for those two; considering they’re probably declining in quality as we progress through them?!

I feel useless, and helpless, and defeated. My body has always failed me, from the time I was 11 years old and told that I wouldn’t be able to have kids. After years of research and doctors appointments, I was given hope and told that with the use of an egg donor, we should have no trouble conceiving – considering how ‘young’ I am. I am SO FUCKING MAD at those doctors right now for giving me hope. SO FUCKING MAD at being told -initially that our success rate would probably fall more within the 70-80% range once we too care of the lack of egg issue.  SO FUCKING MAD at my body for letting me down over and over again and making me the trouble case at our fertility clinic.

I was practically handed six beautiful embryos on a silver fucking platter by one of our dear friends and what has my body done but to use them up and spit them out. Each time our FET cycles don’t work, my husband and I have always just started planning for the next step, tried not to worry about it because “it’ll work next time!”; however, our chances are running out really fucking quick and I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve tried to start talking about the ‘what ifs’ with a dear friend, but my brain/emotional state cannot handle going there. I don’t know what will become of me if this doesn’t work because deep in my soul I know I am meant to be a mother and I will be utterly lost if that never comes to fruition. I’m god damned terrified right now. And Angry. And broken.

I am trying to focus everything I have in setting up a plan for our next cycle, yet I don’t want to waste another embryo doing the same old song and dance. Clearly it’s not working. It’s definitely me that’s the problem, they’ve told me as much. It started with a thin endometrial lining that we have struggled to thicken; and yet, now that we seem to be getting it to a good (enough) thickness each time, they suspect that it is not very receptive….clearly. I have just emailed the clinic about using Neupogen for our next cycle and what that would look like. My RE has already told me that he himself has never used it and would actually have another clinic doctor be in charge of the Neupogen if we chose to go ahead with it but I want to know more about the risks, the procedure, and if we would have to change RE’s entirely if we move forward with it.

Fuck me, this sucks. I’m tired of fighting, tired of hoping that this might be the cycle that works and then getting the crushing call that we’re shit out of luck again. I don’t know what to do to make the best use of what we have left. After that – we’re out of the game. our funding only covered the one Donor IVF cycle (and all subsequent FETs from that cycle). We can’t afford to find another donor and have another cycle completed, or to go through with a gestational carrier/surrogate, nor can we afford to go through an adoption process. We’ve literally, and figuratively, thrown all of our eggs into one basket.

Fuck, fuckity, fuck.