So the countdown is (sorta) on as we head toward CD1 of our FET#1. I stop bc on Saturday and should be calling in CD1 on either Monday or Tuesday of next week. It’s pretty exciting, somewhat terrifying but we’ve been waiting since June 18th when our fresh transfer was cancelled to start again – and it’s felt like forever. The summer has been amazing and I have been so ridiculously busy with so many fun weekends I had pre-booked “just in case” our June transfer wasn’t successful – SO happy I did. I’m hoping to post more on my summer shenanigans later this week but I just wanted to show the few people who follow this blog something that made me smile today when I went out for some “while I still can” sushi! Fingers crossed it means what I hope it does!!!
Sometimes, when my anxiety is sitting a little more in the forefront and my thoughts often flit to all things infertility, I find it so much more difficult to have the energy I need to give to other areas of my life. It can feel all consuming. I believe I have previously mentioned that I work in a youth detention/custody – a place that requires a lot of emotional energy and personal effort to make a shift run smoothly – and some days I struggle to find that in me. I wish this wasn’t the case but there are days, more so than not lately, that I just don’t want to go into work because I don’t have the energy I know it requires.
Sometimes, it presents itself in my struggle to tolerate other people’s negative dispositions, moods or attitudes. I want to scream at some people that I really care for because I try my damnedest to have a good attitude despite everything on my mind and in my heart – yet they’re sitting there complaining about everything and having such a negative attitude about life and it’s absolutely draining.
Yesterday I had a number of people approach me (who know me well and are aware of our situation) to see if everything was ok as I was being particularly quiet (I withdraw when overwhelmed/upset/anxious/etc.) but I found that I didn’t feel like sharing that I was just having a rough day because of infertility. Period. Nothing particular had gone wrong, we’re not currently in a cycle or anything but people just don’t get how emotionally draining infertility is and sometimes I find it pointless and exhausting trying to explain something to them that they’ll never understand. I don’t share all of my infertility/ivf thoughts with my husband, family or friends because I hate the thought of that being the only thing they think I can focus on, or dominating all conversations. I choose the things to share with my husband because I want our relationship to be about so much more than infertility and IVF – plus, I don’t want to force him to think about it nearly as much as it dominates my thoughts. It’s like getting into an argument in a relationship that you cherish – you choose your battles wisely; therefore, I carefully decide which discussions/thoughts are more important. Also, if anyone who isn’t struggling with infertility even had an idea of the thoughts and how all consuming they are, I’m pretty sure they would think I’ve gone off the deep end.
When it comes down to it though, it’s exhausting. These feelings and thoughts are exhausting; especially for someone who withdraws when overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings. Having the support of my husband, friends and family is wonderful but some days I wish we hadn’t told anyone because it would be less exhausting to fake my way through a smile when I’m struggling. It’s a win/lose situation really and there’s really no way around it.
I certainly don’t want to make everyone think that I am unable to think of anything else – that’s not the case. When I’m participating in am activity, out with friends or involved in something particular, I’m usually all there. I can get away mentally from it all for certain periods of time, it’s the quiet times or the triggers that send my thoughts back to all things infertility…
I wrote the following last Wednesday, Aug 3. I wasn’t sure if I would share it until last night when the saga continued ….
Some days I hate my body. There are times when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning because of how I feel about my body. There are days when I could cry myself to sleep because of this body of mine…. And I feel helpless to change sometimes.
It might not be what most people are assuming right now. Yes, physically, I could stand to lose 5 pounds… or 20. Yes, I wish clothes fit me differently or that I was a few inches shorter or my hair was a little less flat…but that’s not at all what has such a profound effect on me. I’m talking about my body’s inability to do what it was designed to do. I resigned myself to need donor eggs because I was born with bum ovaries; however, I was told that with everything else going for me, we might be looking at a 70+%success rate with ivf and donor eggs. Now it’s been discovered I have an unresponsive lining. It stays real thin and they’re not entirely sure what to do for me.
In addition to all of this, I don’t get a natural period – only bleeding when I take a break from birth control hormones… Or that’s how it’s supposed to be. Today I started spotting for the second time in a week.
This might not seem like anything big but when I can’t seem to rely on my body to act normal even with meds coursing through my system, how the hell am I ever going to be able to trust my body when it counts.
Unfortunately it’s hitting me that I can’t. I have no trust in my body to do what it is supposed to do, to react how it’s supposed to react.
We all know that person who “if something could go wrong – it will” for them… Well, unfortunately that’s me. I’m that person that everyone knows. I’m tired of it and sometimes it just hits me at a low point and it’s hard to deal with. Today is one of those days.
Once I’m done my next cycle, I am cleared to go forward with an FET. For most people, that would mean a 4-5ish week wait…. Who knows what my body will surprise me with this time or how long I’ll actually end up waiting.
Written today Thursday, Aug. 11…
Well I ended up stopping my birth control and getting my period. It lasted from Wednesday to Tuesday which is NOT normal for me. Then, last night I started bleeding yet again; yet nothing so far this morning. WTF body?! Staaaaaaahp itttt!
I went in for my polyp removal procedure just less than two weeks ago. I took my meds as prescribed leading up to the procedure, didn’t drink fluids or eat for 12.5 hours leading up to my appointment. (The direction was to not eat for 8 hours and not drink for 6; however, due to the timing of my appointment, it ended up being longer as it was already past those timeframes when I woke up in the morning.) My wonderful father drove me into the city for the procedure as my husband was working and I was not allowed to drive after it was completed. I arrived a half hour early as requested and they got me all set up.
The nurse completed all of the pre-removal prep and had me undress my lower half, then sat me in the stirrups. Then I waited – for what felt like an eternity. What a classy way to sit around waiting for someone, lol. I tried to distract myself by listening to the monotonous beeping of the heart rate machine.
Finally, the nurse returned with the Doctor and they started my IV; pumping me full of conscious sedation. I was quite loopy. The procedure itself actually wasn’t too bad, just a little uncomfortable and a few painful twinges. Once he was done, the Doctor informed me that there was no polyp. WHAT?! I had been afraid of this. I sat there in stunned silence, trying to focus my thoughts; however, the meds were making that task rather difficult.
Afterwards, I was brought into recovery for an hour and a half while they replenished my fluids and my loopiness started to subside. When the doctor returned to release me, I asked him about the results. He reiterated that there was no polyp in my uterus and was unable to tell me what two separate Ultrasound Technicians had been seeing. To reassure me, the Doctor brought up the photos of the inside of my uterus and told me to take pictures of the screen to bring to my RE during my follow up.
I was given a prescription for antibiotics and released. The two hour drive home was torture…. I became nauseous about 15 minutes into the drive – right around the time that we were getting onto a major highway that we continued to travel for the next hour and fifteen minutes. Within minutes of getting off the highway, we were able to pull over so I could throw up….Then the pain started. I hadn’t been given the usual pain killer that they prescribe as I am allergic; initially, I had thought that it really hadn’t hurt that bad and I’d be fine. For a few hours I had some pretty severe pain in my uterus. Once I got home, I laid on the couch and used a heating pad to ease the pain until it subsided. I continued to throw up ever half hour until the evening and my husband brought me some deliciously awful fast food to help calm my stomach as it hadn’t been given any food for nearly 19 hours. The next day I felt much better with only some mild cramping.
I waited until the following Monday to follow up with my clinic but work got crazy for a few days and I wasn’t able to call until the Wednesday of last week. I left a message on the answering machine, which informed me that I would receive a return call within 24-48 hours…unfortunately, they are closed Fridays and today is a holiday Monday here. I am hoping to get a call back tomorrow to see if we can proceed with an FET.
I had a bit of. a scare this weekend though – I am still taking BC for the hormone replacement (due to having ovaries that don’t function properly) and for some reason started to bleed. I panicked as I have not yet been given the green light for our FET cycle and couldn’t call the clinic to ask what to do. The last thing I wanted to do was miss this cycle and have to wait another month, since we just waited a month to complete the polyp removal for no polyp. I called in my day 1 just in case – leaving another message on another answering machine. It turns out though that I believe I was just spotting and everything seems to be ok. I did get a call back today from the Day 1 coordinator and she instructed me to follow up with my RE tomorrow when the holiday is over and if it turns out to be more than spotting, we can still move forward on Day 4…so for now I am calmed.