FET #3 – My journey through the 2WW.

(Written March 28th, 2017)

My last two weeks have been long – to say the least. We had our transfer on March 14th – hubby’s birthday. I had taken the rest of the week off to relax as my RE had recommended being on bed rest from Tuesday after transfer to Thursday anyway. The first day and a half I felt no different than usual; however, after that I started feeling the cramping and twinges. I had all sorts of symptoms as the two week wait progressed; including: cramping, twinges, nausea, headaches, bloating, tender and enlarged breasts, sensitive teeth, dizziness, heart palpitations, crazy vivid dreams, tiredness, and I was constantly aware of something going on in my uterus/lower abdomen area.

(Written April 11, 2017 – I started writing this post fourteen days ago and have been struggling to keep with it and finish putting my thoughts down in writing; however, I will try to get everything out of this brain of mine today.)

Regardless of all of the symptoms that I listed above, I had convinced myself that this cycle had not worked. This was our third frozen embryo transfer, with some degree of implantation occurring in the first two transfers, I struggled with the odds of a third cycle having implantation – just based on IVF statistics alone. My hubby on the other hand, was staying positive for the both of us; he couldn’t even begin to believe that the cycle hadn’t worked considering all of the symptoms I had been experiencing.


On 5dp5dt and 6dp5dt I had been tempted to test at home but I was able to hold off. I have always tested before going to the clinic for my official blood test day; often testing 4+ times before beta. This time; however, I was so convinced that it had not worked that I didn’t want the fantasy to be shattered any earlier than it had to be so I held off – not one single at home test was taken. I waited the whole FOURTEEN days (not 8, not 10, not 12….FOURTEEN). Luckily test day fell on a day that I was off so I knew I would be able to take time after getting the news which is usually not the case for me.

I drove to the clinic bright and early that morning and had my blood taken and was on my way back home within 3 minutes. I was the only person in the waiting area that morning which seemed really odd. I had asked a friend to lunch that day so that I would have some sort of distraction while my husband was sleeping from his midnight shift as I expected the call to come in the late afternoon as it usually does. By 9:45 my phone was ringing and it was the clinic. The fantasy of the two week wait had come to a dead halt – it was negative. No matter how much you prepare yourself, it doesn’t make it any easier. And oddly enough, even with my previous chemical pregnancies there had always been a smidgen of hope after receiving that first call, even if the numbers didn’t look good, at least they were there.

This brings me to the past two weeks. My hormones took a few days to balance out, the bleeding came hard and fast after stopping the meds and lasted for only three days. I usually start birth control right after each cycle as I don’t have a natural cycle and the pills have always supplemented my hormones; however, this time still have not yet started them. I’m not sure if I’m just feeling rebellious or want to see what my body will do without them…but I should probably consult my RE eventually. My clinic does not reach out to me after a failed cycle. My beta phone calls are the last I hear from anyone – and those are done at a monitoring clinic. I’ll need to get in touch with them soon but I feel like we’re going to be taking a little bit of a break for now as our house is in need of new shingles on the roof and that doesn’t come cheap. Unfortunately, like many others in this world of infertility, we’re going to have to pick between a roof and a cycle at this point and if we don’t get a roof soon, water could cause more damage and make things even more expensive in the future. Life choices suck and being an adult is hard. I’m done for today.

I’m not sure about you… But I feel like this pic of duct tape represents me a lot throughout this whole process 😂. 

FET#3 – Cycle Day 30 (?)

I’ve lost track but I think it’s day 30?! It feels as though a lot has happened since I last made time for this keyboard and posted an update on Cycle Day 8; I think I’m overdue, so I’ll start right where I left off.

On CD 10 I returned to the clinic for another scan and bloods. My lining stuck true to it’s nature and had only grown to 4.3mm. The clinic called that afternoon and instructed me to stay on the same dose of Menopur as planned and return on CD 14 for another check. Well a lot of good that seemed to do, when I returned for a lining check, my measurement was 3.6mm!!!!!! WTF?! I resigned myself to having this cycle cancelled like our fresh cycle had been. I had actually convinced myself two appointments ago that they would call to cancel so this was the deciding factor, I figured. How could it not be?! We had given Menopur a try but let’s face it, my lining was not responding to it and it was time to cut our losses.

When they called that afternoon and the nurse gave me instructions to stop the Menopur, as expected; however, I was a little shocked when she told me to start taking 8mg Estogen (vaginally) per day and start with 100mg Estradot patches every day. Wait, what?! They were continuing my cycle but I just convinced myself it was a last ditch effort before they cancel and waste the whole thing. I did as instructed and was asked to return on CD 21 for another scan and bloods. Let me tell you, my last post talked about the side effects of being a constant blubbery mess; well, that was absolutely caused by the Menopur. The day I stopped taking it, I stopped crying but as the Estrogen entered my body – the bitchiness started – something my husband would agree with lol.

 

Anyway, as I drove to the clinic at 5:50am on CD21, I resigned myself one more time for them cancelling the cycle later that day and went into the scan with ZERO expectations.

Can you imagine my damn surprise when the nurse informed me that my lining was over 7mm! Let me just say this, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS THING WE CALL THE HUMAN BODY. I don’t get how it works but for once mine decided to show up to the fucking party!!! A few tears slipped out as I laid there having the scan done – and at one point the nurse had to tell me to lay my head back down and relax as she couldn’t get a clear picture – ha!

They called me later that day to tell me to continue on the same meds and then the next day I was to take a trigger shot (10,000mg of HCG) “just in case” my bum ovaries had decided to do something while I had been taking the Menopur. Two days after the trigger shot, I started PIO 50mg each evening. Three days after that, I was scheduled for another Matris Scan to check the quality of my lining and I began taking Medrol (a type of prednisone) that I am to be on for 5 days total. The scan results came back the next day and my result was 7 out of 10! Anything over 7 is considered good. Our last cycle, my RE transferred even though my results came back at 6 out of 10 because with my shitty lining, he figured it was the best we were ever going to achieve, so needless to say, I was pretty pumped.

Finally, on CD 29 (?) we went in for our FET #3! They were calling for a huge winter storm in our area throughout the day of our transfer yesterday so we only drove halfway and took the train for the second half of our trip as the highway can get quite messy in bad weather. By some miracle though, the storm didn’t really start until we got back home. Our transfer went off without a hitch this time and for now I am officially PUPO again.

Fingers crossed yet again.

I Here we go again…

It has been a long two week wait.

I started testing at home at 9dp5dt and got a positive but it was very very faint. Not what I was hoping for at 9dp5dt. Seems as though everyone’s positives from the same timeline have dark pregnancy test lines that miracles are made of. Not me. Immediately I had a feeling we were headed toward a chemical pregnancy again.

I waited two days, until 11dp5dt to test again as I figured if it was going to be viable, it would be darker and if not, it would be getting lighter with the two day wait. Lucky me – the test was pretty much the exact same darkness as the first. WTF is that?!

Another two days passed and on 13dp5dt I took another home pregnancy test with absolute certainty that it would be a negative by this point. I was scheduled to go for bloodwork at my clinic the next morning so I wanted to be able to prepare myself; however, this time the line showed up darker and quicker. There was no doubt about it, things were progressing. I wasn’t fooled though, I knew that at 13dp5d if this has a chance of being viable, the test would be significantly darker by this stage, right?! But now there were feelings of hope going through my head. What if this is it?!

I went to the clinic bright and early, wondering what my Beta would come back at. Last cycle, I had tested the day before bloods and it came back negative. My beta registered at 14 the following day (chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage #1). I figured with the HPT line being as dark as it was, my beta would be higher, but still lower than it should be. Let me tell you how fucking surprised I was to find out that my beta for this cycle was ALSO AT 14!!! How the fuck does that happen??? I used the same brand of test, tested in the morning, and did everything the same as last cycle with two significantly different HPT results but exact same Beta!

I went back again today to complete a follow up beta – it has come back at 19. Looks like this most likely will not be a viable pregnancy again. I am 5 weeks today. I have been instructed to keep taking my meds and I’ll have to go in to see my family doctor at some point over the holidays to have another Beta completed to ensure that my levels are dropping (as my clinic will be closed after tomorrow).

Fuck.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

Merry Christmas to us…

I hate what infertility has done to me.

I HATE infertility for what it has done to me.

I broke down this morning, alone and in the shower, because everything just got a little too hard; a little too heavy.

I am a happy and outgoing person; I refuse to use past tense because I will not admit defeat. I WILL NOT give infertility the power of defeat over me. Not yet. I am a happy person, an outgoing individual who has always believed that there’s a reason behind everything. I am not religious, so personally I do not believe that reason is any form of God controlling my destiny. That being said, I always lead my life with the belief that life handed me lessons and it was my job to learn from those lessons and move forward; thus, everything happens for a reason.

I am losing sight of those reasons lately. I am losing sight of myself.

I have been finding social gatherings more and more difficult as there are SO MANY triggers. How do I make this stop? I’ve been turning down more offers to hang out with people because it is so FUCKING hard. Nearly all of my friends either have kids or want to party like they’re in college. Going through DEIVF, I have significantly reduced any drinking that I do, or if in a current cycle, I don’t drink at all. It’s just not my scene any more (not that it was ever really my scene but I’d imbibe once in a while at social events). So that leaves the other half of my friends, the parents. Unfortunately, children are a trigger for me, even the ones that are nearest and dearest to my heart. HA. What a joke that is.

I have been fortunate to be surrounded by Ah-mazing friends and family, who I know just want me to be successful in this journey. Unfortunately, none of them will ever understand. There’s always a huge elephant in the room when I get together with them and so I have unintentionally been pushing them away. As time passes and we do get together for a social event, the growing distance between us becomes even more evident and I start to feel left out; though, I know I’m the reason that is happening. I know they are here for me but how long are they really going to wait to get their friend back? For me to go back to normal? Let’s face it, will that ever really happen? Even if I ever do come out successful at the end of this infertility journey, I’ll never be the same again will I? Infertility changes you.

The deeper we get into this DEIVF journey, the more fearful I become that I won’t be able to pick up all of the pieces of my former self. I’m scared that I won’t recognize who I have become, because really it’s already starting to happen.

Who is this woman who gets home from a day at work and doesn’t have enough physical or emotional energy to do anything else?

Who is this woman that holds it all in until one day the walls break and tears are shed in the shower; only to then pull herself back together for a little bit longer to prove to the outside world that everything is fine.

Who is this woman who feels so alone, yet is surrounded by so many loving and amazing people?

Who is she? I’m afraid I don’t know anymore.

FET#2 – Officially PUPO

Transfer day was yesterday, on day 25 of my cycle as my lining always takes longer to get it’s ass in gear. My husband and I drove into the city for our appointment, leaving shortly after 10am as our transfer was scheduled for 1:30. We arrived in time to grab something quick to eat before heading up to sign in at the clinic and to let them know that we had an acupuncturist coming in to do a pre and post transfer session with me. As I was the last transfer of the day, they took me right back to get me set up.  We had the same acupuncturist as last time who took me through some breathing exercises before sticking me like a pin cushion. I wish I had a picture of it as they were sticking out of everywhere, I literally had 5 needles in each ear!

After the session, my Doctor was able to start early, which my bladder was entirely thankful for! Though, I didn’t feel like I needed to pee nearly as much as last time. After checking a million times to make sure I was the right person, they had me lay back as they placed the embryo. Once the Doctor is done placing the embryo, the catheter is always sent back to the lab (on the other side of the window from the procedure room) to ensure that the embryo has been inserted and is no longer in the catheter…to nobody’s surprise, we had to do the whole thing again as the embryo had gotten stuck and was still in the tube! It was super awesome as they had to go back to pressing the ultrasound want on my bladder while I seriously needed to pee.

My Doctor joked that if any of his patients were going to be difficult, it would be me! Lol, at least he knows me well, as I am the person that if something is going to go wrong, it will. He then continued to say that if he has to do it a third time, I’ll be his first patient ever to have needed that. Thankfully, the second try worked and we were sent off to the procedure waiting area. The Doctor ordered 1cc of PIO to be administered before I left as he had seen my uterus contracting slightly and wanted to calm it down. I had my post transfer acupuncture and then had the nurse give me the PIO shot, it was weird having someone else do the injection as I’ve always done my own (husband is terrified of needles!). Once it was all said and done, we began our journey home with strict instructions for me to remain as horizontal as possible for the next three days, no heavy lifting, no sex, no overheating and for my husband to buy me diamond earrings! No joke, my Doctor told him that it helps with implantation every time, LOL!

Once we were home I made it directly to the couch where I remained for the rest of the night. I had my daily PIO shot to complete at 8pm as the one given to me earlier was a bonus dose. While I was giving myself the injection I got super lightheaded and started sweating. I’ve had one reaction like this before in either my first or second cycle but it was awful. My sweet husband came immediately to help me cool down and feel better, thankfully.

Anyhoo, today I am 1DP5DT. I don’t test until Dec 20th, which is even longer than I had to wait last cycle…this is going to be a long 14 days!!! My poor puppy keeps pacing near me as she wants to come up and cuddle with me but if you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know she’s a 140lb Great Dane who is sure to cause me to overheat so to be on the cautious side I won’t be cuddling with her on the couch for the next two weeks [sad face]. This is her waiting to be invited up onto the couch with me…

How fitting…

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day; coincidentally, four days ago I got confirmation that our transfer was successful but our Beta was low. Two days ago, I got confirmation that it is a chemical pregnancy. Today I would have been 5 weeks pregnant and instead I am awaiting the arrival of my period/the start of an early miscarriage.

It’s heart wrenching and oh so disappointing. The good news I guess is that the embryo had implanted, which is father than we’ve ever gotten. My hubby and I are trying to look on the positive side of it, yet I’ll admit, it has been difficult to do.

Once I start to bleed, it will mark the official end of FET Cycle #1. I plan to call our doctor this week to discuss our next steps. The only positive to this is that I can now take all of the cold medication I want right now to fight off this nasty bug I picked up at work…nothing like getting kicked while you’re down, right?!

Hugs and thoughts to everyone else out there who is remembering today. xo

FET Cycle #1 – 6dp5dt

Oh. My. Goodness. This has been the longest two weeks ever. OH WAIT, I’m only six days in.

I really don’t know how much longer I can wait at this point but I’m torn. The longer I wait to take the test, the longer I can hold onto the hope that it worked; however, as soon as I see that negative I know it’s over for this cycle.

 I was silly and bought some pregnancy tests the other day, I should have waited longer as then they wouldn’t even be in the house and testing early wouldn’t have been an option.

I read an article on Pinterest yesterday called “The 8 Stages of the Two Week Wait” and it couldn’t have been more accurate:

  • The No Big Deal stage
  • The OMG I just know I’m pregnant stage
  • The Ugh, I just don’t think I’m pregnant stage
  • The Google is my best friend stage
  • The Boycott Google stage
  • The Ok, let’s take a home pregnancy test stage
  • The Gloom and self pity stage

And wait for it….

  • The Total insanity stage

This is my first ever two week wait and it fits me perfectly so far.

Now I’m just stuck at the stage of taking a home pregnancy test stage – to test or not to test, that is the question.