Is it possible to experience the feeling of emptiness when you’ve never had the pleasure of fullness? I sit here watching TV, nothing of consequence and suddenly I realize that something I have wanted for so long has been delayed yet again. For quite some time, I had ‘planned’ that once our donor was done breast feeding [October ’14] we would probably have to wait three to four more months for her cycle to regulate and then we could proceed with starting the egg donation process. With my excellent math skills, I had figured that if everything works out the best possible way, we could be looking to get pregnant by February or March ’15. I had been counting down for months while simultaneously trying not to rush through life.
Once we talked with our donor and her husband, it became clear that we’d be waiting much longer than I was hoping. Turns out she nursed her first son until he was 20 months old. We’re now looking at possibly waiting another year or more until she will be done breast feeding her littlest. I would never dream of rushing her. She is doing something so amazing and selfless for us that I wouldn’t even consider wanting to force or pressure them into changing how they want to raise their own children.
I do have to admit that it’s painful. Having such little control over a phase in your life. Wanting something so badly. Something that so many people don’t think twice about, something they regret, fear or cause simply by forgetting to take measures to prevent it. I feel empty every time I see someone who is with child. Every time I see a baby. My feelings quickly turn to shame as I do have so much to be thankful for.
I have a husband who is amazing, understanding, passionate, caring and attentive.
I have my silly and affectionate fur-babies; a Great Dane and the ever elusive cat.
I have a wonderfully supportive family; both biologically and through marriage.
I have a job, a roof over my head and food in my fridge.
And we have an egg donor; in a country where donors are not able to be compensated. We have two amazing friends who have so selflessly offered to provide us with a life-giving gift for nothing in return. They have come to us, without being asked and offered to help us grow our family without hesitation.
I realize that I need to have patience and remember that everything happens for a reason. That everything I have faced has taught me something and has made me who I am today. I have been given this challenge because I am strong enough to endure this hand that I have been dealt.