I wrote the following last Wednesday, Aug 3. I wasn’t sure if I would share it until last night when the saga continued ….
Some days I hate my body. There are times when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning because of how I feel about my body. There are days when I could cry myself to sleep because of this body of mine…. And I feel helpless to change sometimes.
It might not be what most people are assuming right now. Yes, physically, I could stand to lose 5 pounds… or 20. Yes, I wish clothes fit me differently or that I was a few inches shorter or my hair was a little less flat…but that’s not at all what has such a profound effect on me. I’m talking about my body’s inability to do what it was designed to do. I resigned myself to need donor eggs because I was born with bum ovaries; however, I was told that with everything else going for me, we might be looking at a 70+%success rate with ivf and donor eggs. Now it’s been discovered I have an unresponsive lining. It stays real thin and they’re not entirely sure what to do for me.
In addition to all of this, I don’t get a natural period – only bleeding when I take a break from birth control hormones… Or that’s how it’s supposed to be. Today I started spotting for the second time in a week.
This might not seem like anything big but when I can’t seem to rely on my body to act normal even with meds coursing through my system, how the hell am I ever going to be able to trust my body when it counts.
Unfortunately it’s hitting me that I can’t. I have no trust in my body to do what it is supposed to do, to react how it’s supposed to react.
We all know that person who “if something could go wrong – it will” for them… Well, unfortunately that’s me. I’m that person that everyone knows. I’m tired of it and sometimes it just hits me at a low point and it’s hard to deal with. Today is one of those days.
Once I’m done my next cycle, I am cleared to go forward with an FET. For most people, that would mean a 4-5ish week wait…. Who knows what my body will surprise me with this time or how long I’ll actually end up waiting.
Written today Thursday, Aug. 11…
Well I ended up stopping my birth control and getting my period. It lasted from Wednesday to Tuesday which is NOT normal for me. Then, last night I started bleeding yet again; yet nothing so far this morning. WTF body?! Staaaaaaahp itttt!