A severe case of the [infertility] Mondays.

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Oh, do I ever feel like shit today. This Viagra is kicking my ass – I have a nearly constant headache, the nausea has ramped up to 1000%, I had a rash yesterday evening that sprawled across my neck and was super itchy (thankfully gone today), I want to cry rather frequently, and frankly I’m tired of feeling fat.

Pre-fertility treatments, I was avidly going to the gym 4 days/week. I like to push myself and I sweat like a monster when I’m there. I could run 5k no problem and I had a number of friends that I would push through these workouts/runs with me. I miss it, a lot. The problem is that my body already runs at a high temperature and I sweat very easily. As we all know in the infertility world, these little embryos don’t like high temperature places so I have to do everything I can to try to keep my body from going into that zone – which means I’ve put my gym membership on hold. I still take my dog for walks, so technically I’m still being active to help blood flow; but I hate watching my girlfriends go to the gym together and complete the workout routines that I created for them, knowing that they’re surpassing me. I hate watching my husband leave for the gym as I sit around feeling like a blob.

I know deep down that I could safely do some moderate exercises but I don’t know how to tone it down without pushing myself further. Let’s be clear, I’m not one of those women in fitness magazines who’s completely toned and buff (I’d love to be but I could never eat the way that it necessary), but I was definitely in shape and I felt strong. I miss that. I hate the added weight on my body that the emotional eating has caused. I hate losing muscle tone. I hate thinking about how my husband might see me differently (also – I fully know that this is me projecting my feelings onto him because he has never made me feel anything less than beautiful) but it’s hard because we are both healthy and active people; or at least I WAS.

I hate that my husband comes home to someone laying on the couch all the time because I feel like junk from these meds. I hate that I’m tempted to call in sick to work every day because I don’t want to face it – but in reality, knowing that I have to…6b5fc64c31dc3e09acce0928c9a03347-2

I just can’t wait until I’m done with this Viagra, maybe that’ll help me feel better. Fingers crossed.

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