It really isn’t fair.

I woke up today with a message from a dear friend in the TTC community today. She had a negative test this morning and it brought me to tears. This bullshit is so unfair and I am angry for her, she deserved a win.

We all do.

How is it that the best of us go through so much heartache and pain in this endeavour of ours; yet it comes so easily to most?

It’s not fair. The unjustness of it all is not new to me, nor is it a huge realization; however, it serves as a huge reminder that not all is how it is meant to be.

Sending positivity to everyone in the TTC world today – let it come to you in whichever form you need.

Love for you all.

xo

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A severe case of the [infertility] Mondays.

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Oh, do I ever feel like shit today. This Viagra is kicking my ass – I have a nearly constant headache, the nausea has ramped up to 1000%, I had a rash yesterday evening that sprawled across my neck and was super itchy (thankfully gone today), I want to cry rather frequently, and frankly I’m tired of feeling fat.

Pre-fertility treatments, I was avidly going to the gym 4 days/week. I like to push myself and I sweat like a monster when I’m there. I could run 5k no problem and I had a number of friends that I would push through these workouts/runs with me. I miss it, a lot. The problem is that my body already runs at a high temperature and I sweat very easily. As we all know in the infertility world, these little embryos don’t like high temperature places so I have to do everything I can to try to keep my body from going into that zone – which means I’ve put my gym membership on hold. I still take my dog for walks, so technically I’m still being active to help blood flow; but I hate watching my girlfriends go to the gym together and complete the workout routines that I created for them, knowing that they’re surpassing me. I hate watching my husband leave for the gym as I sit around feeling like a blob.

I know deep down that I could safely do some moderate exercises but I don’t know how to tone it down without pushing myself further. Let’s be clear, I’m not one of those women in fitness magazines who’s completely toned and buff (I’d love to be but I could never eat the way that it necessary), but I was definitely in shape and I felt strong. I miss that. I hate the added weight on my body that the emotional eating has caused. I hate losing muscle tone. I hate thinking about how my husband might see me differently (also – I fully know that this is me projecting my feelings onto him because he has never made me feel anything less than beautiful) but it’s hard because we are both healthy and active people; or at least I WAS.

I hate that my husband comes home to someone laying on the couch all the time because I feel like junk from these meds. I hate that I’m tempted to call in sick to work every day because I don’t want to face it – but in reality, knowing that I have to…6b5fc64c31dc3e09acce0928c9a03347-2

I just can’t wait until I’m done with this Viagra, maybe that’ll help me feel better. Fingers crossed.

Medication day 2

Yesterday I went for my baseline ultrasound and blood work for this FET Cycle. I had to go super early in the morning as my monitoring clinic is an hour away and I need to be back for work by 7:50am; therefore, my day started at 5am. Oh the joys of monitoring appointments.

Mid-afternoon, I received the call from the nurse to confirm my medication orders for the start of this cycle. She began reading off my instructions and as it turns out, the Doctor had changed up my meds from last cycle. If you read my last blog post FET Cycle #2 – you’ll know that my meds were supposed to stay the exact same. I questioned the nurse about this and she seemed to have no clue about this so I asked her to confirm with the Doctor and get back to me. When she called back, she confirmed that I will go ahead with the same medication schedule from our last transfer. Thought so! I really didn’t want to change anything up, especially when they were telling me I’d have 6-8 pills going up my hooha every day. No thanks, let’s limit that please – the 4 Viagra/day is enough.

So I finished work at 4pm and rushed to the pharmacy to pick up some of my meds. I only got two prescriptions filled (Viagra and Estradiol Patches) and it cost me $445!!!! Ugh this is expensive… my insurance company won’t cover the Viagra ($398) because it’s a “lifestyle drug” (I’m sorry, do I sound like a man looking for help to get a raging erection?!) nor will it cover any infertility treatment medications. So every cycle, this is out of pocket….and like I said, I only filled two out of the six prescriptions she called in. Thankfully I do have some leftover medications; unfortunately, they are not enough to get me through a full cycle. ‘Tis the life of an infertile I guess…

Once my prescription was filled, I got home and took my first dose of Viagra (25mg vaginally) and applied my Estradiol patches. Within a couple of hours, the headache started. Thankfully, going to bed seemed to help. Today however, I have the Viagra nausea. A constant low-level nausea that I know I will not be able to escape over the next 10 days as it carried on as long as I was on the Viagra last cycle too. Thankfully, the benefits seem to outweigh the positives as I believe it was the Viagra that got my lining to an adequate thickness for transfer last cycle. Here’s to hoping it will do the same for me this time.

Now I’m just sitting here at work, counting down the hours until I can leave for my acupuncture appointment at 4!

FET Cycle #2

It’s been a month since our last failed cycle. Within the past month, I really haven’t done anything…other than turn 30. My birthday was at the very very end of October, which I always enjoy because I absolutely love Halloween. We had our annual Halloween/my birthday party bash which was a blast. My husband and I dressed up as Lydia and Beetlejuice – home made costumes and all.

Turning 30 was an odd feeling. I feel rather young normally as my husband and most of my closest friends are all approx 5 years older than I am and I usually associate myself with their age rather than my own; meaning, when it actually comes to me thinking about my own age, it’s more of an “oh yeah, I’m only __ years old!”

Most of the time…then again, it’s a whole different ball game when you mix infertility into it all. It’s the only time that my age actually makes me feel down. I’ve actually known about my infertility now for nineteen years(!) if you can believe that; yet, there’s still the same feeling of passing the 30 year old marker. I know that’s still relatively young in the world of infertility but when I have already 1. have bum ovaries 2.surpassed using my own eggs and went straight to donor eggs 3. dealt with an unresponsive lining 4. am having testing done for an unresponsive uterus ….. It’s a lot to deal with.

I certainly didn’t ease my way into the infertility/IVF world – I got thrown straight into the pool wearing a weighted belt and being told to swim; no wonder that some days it feels like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Now with turning 30, it seems like they’ve added another 10lbs to the weight belt, just to see if I can make it. (Realistically though, that extra 10lbs is more likely to be from the emotional eating I’ve been doing lately!!)

So…here we go again…FET cycle #2.

CD1 arrived on Sunday so I called our clinic in the city, as well as our monitoring clinic that we attend closer to home. I am to go in tomorrow (Tuesday) for my baseline ultrasound and blood work; following which, I’m sure they’ll be starting me on my meds as well.

This cycle will be much like our last cycle as they found I responded fairly well to it (with some extra time, my lining was able to get above 7mm prior transfer).

My meds this cycle will be:

  • Estradiol Patch 100mg every 2 days
  • Viagra 4 tab/day (1 every 6 hours) – vaginally – for the first 10 days
  • Estrace 3 tab/day – vaginally – starting once Viagra is done
  • Aspirin 81mg/day
  • Pre-Natal Vitamin
  • Vitamin E 400mg/day
  • Vitamin B Complex 100mg/day

Then starting approx. 7 days prior to transfer:

  • Progesterone in Oil 0.5cc – every evening

Then approx. 3 days prior to transfer:

  • Increase Progesterone in Oil to 1cc – every evening
  • Endometrin Vaginal Suppository – 2x/day

Fingers crossed my lining grows well this cycle as it’s always a struggle. If it does cooperate and grow well, I will be going for a Matris scan in the city approx 3-4 days prior to transfer day.

For those who have not heard of it, a Matris scan is to check the receptivity of the lining to ensure the transfer is being done at an optimal time and to ensure we are not wasting an embryo on a lining that is guaranteed not to accept it. Matris uses proprietary algorithms and specialized technologies to assess and interpret ultrasonographic images taken by the clinic. Using 2- and 3-dimensional techniques, Matris and our team generate insights into endometrial receptivity that cannot be detected in routine clinical practice. Matris uses a scoring system that assigns a numeric score based on what research predicts will be the quality of the endometrial lining at the time of transfer.   The higher the Matris score, the higher the probability of pregnancy.

Keeping my fingers crossed that everything we are throwing into this process will help us reach a successful outcome! Will update soon.