Here we go.

Since Thursday, I  had been battling some of the mental side effects of this chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage; however, I also felt somewhat numb to it all. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be too bad after all – I would have my period and it would be done with.

That was until this morning…when I started to bleed and realized that this isn’t quite like a normal period and I couldn’t keep telling myself it is. I had been cramping all night; which in turn, led to me tossing and turning until the wee hours of the morning. I got up to use the washroom around 2am but only had some light colouring on my liner so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Waking up to my alarm this morning was a different story…

TMI WARNING!!! (PS. Does ANYONE in the infertility world ACTUALLY stop reading with these warnings or are we all equally desensitized to all the “gross” bodily functions we talk about?!)

By the time I got to the washroom and jumped immediately into the shower, it was like a death scene from a horror film – except it was all clots. The cramps are awful so I just laid at the bottom of the shower for a while, letting the hot water run over my lower abdomen.

Less than an hour later I am sitting at work, wondering just how bad this is going to get and how often I’m going to have to sneak into our single toilet co-ed washroom (one for every single person I work with to share) to change out my tampon or pad; which ever I decide might be more effective.

Then, there’s the mental side of things…

The numbness I had been feeling had helped me to put on a mask around co-workers, friends and family. It had allowed me to avoid crying (for the most part) throughout this process and carry on, nearly as if nothing traumatic was occurring. Right now, I just want to be alone, which is difficult as I am at work and do not have my own office to hide in. I have been asked out for a girls night this evening by my co-workers and feel like I should go as I have missed a few with everything that is going on.

I certainly don’t feel like going; however, I’m running out of excuses as to why I can’t go…and certainly don’t want to just come out an tell them that I don’t want to go as I am currently bleeding out what is the the closest I have ever had to a baby. That escaping to the washroom at a billiards hall to change out yet another blood/clot soaked pad/tampon seems like a nightmare to me – all while plastering a smile on my face and talking about how shitty their lives are currently going.

I think this is going to be more difficult than I initially anticipated….

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How fitting…

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day; coincidentally, four days ago I got confirmation that our transfer was successful but our Beta was low. Two days ago, I got confirmation that it is a chemical pregnancy. Today I would have been 5 weeks pregnant and instead I am awaiting the arrival of my period/the start of an early miscarriage.

It’s heart wrenching and oh so disappointing. The good news I guess is that the embryo had implanted, which is father than we’ve ever gotten. My hubby and I are trying to look on the positive side of it, yet I’ll admit, it has been difficult to do.

Once I start to bleed, it will mark the official end of FET Cycle #1. I plan to call our doctor this week to discuss our next steps. The only positive to this is that I can now take all of the cold medication I want right now to fight off this nasty bug I picked up at work…nothing like getting kicked while you’re down, right?!

Hugs and thoughts to everyone else out there who is remembering today. xo

FET Cycle #1 – 6dp5dt

Oh. My. Goodness. This has been the longest two weeks ever. OH WAIT, I’m only six days in.

I really don’t know how much longer I can wait at this point but I’m torn. The longer I wait to take the test, the longer I can hold onto the hope that it worked; however, as soon as I see that negative I know it’s over for this cycle.

 I was silly and bought some pregnancy tests the other day, I should have waited longer as then they wouldn’t even be in the house and testing early wouldn’t have been an option.

I read an article on Pinterest yesterday called “The 8 Stages of the Two Week Wait” and it couldn’t have been more accurate:

  • The No Big Deal stage
  • The OMG I just know I’m pregnant stage
  • The Ugh, I just don’t think I’m pregnant stage
  • The Google is my best friend stage
  • The Boycott Google stage
  • The Ok, let’s take a home pregnancy test stage
  • The Gloom and self pity stage

And wait for it….

  • The Total insanity stage

This is my first ever two week wait and it fits me perfectly so far.

Now I’m just stuck at the stage of taking a home pregnancy test stage – to test or not to test, that is the question.

FET Cycle #1 – 2dp5dt

Thank you all for the good luck wishes…it seems to have helped!

On Friday, my husband and I awoke at 7am to get ready for the day. We were asked to arrive at the clinic in the city for 10:30, so due to morning traffic, we thought it would be best to leave by 7:50 to ensure we would not be stressed out by any traffic jams. We arrived in good time, getting to the clinic minutes after 10am. After checking in, we sat in the waiting room and spent time people watching.

My acupuncturist had hooked me up with another acupuncturist in the city so that I could have a treatment on the day of transfer and it turns out that they have a good working relationship with the clinic so they come in and do a pre and post transfer acupuncture session. Once she arrived, we introduced ourselves and she took control of everything from that point on. As this was our first ever transfer, she let them know that we were having acupuncture done and got us all set up in a recovery chair. The nurse gave my husband and I directions to put on the procedure gowns but explained it by saying – just do it like last time. I had to explain to her that although we’re doing a frozen embryo transfer, we have never done a (fresh) transfer before. She then stated, well – then it’s just the same as when you had the egg retrieval done. Again, I had the pleasure of explaining that we have never been through an egg retrieval as we had to use donor eggs right off the bat. She apologized and finally took the time to walk us through everything in the manner she should have in the first place.

Following the minor hiccup, the acupuncturist talked me through some deep breathing exercises and then proceeded to start the acupuncture treatment. I had needles from the top of my head to the top of my foot but I found it to be extremely relaxing.I had also finished the mandatory 1 liter of water that needed to be ingested 1 hour prior to the appointment…so I REALLY had to pee at this point. I said to my husband, who was waiting with me, that due to the acupuncture and the strong desire to pee myself – I really didn’t have any mental capacity left over to worry about what was about to happen. We were still feeling uncertain that my lining was even ready for the transfer so we had been just keeping our fingers crossed for the last few days.

After having the needles in for approx. 25 minutes, the acupuncturist removed them and left to wait in the waiting room until we were ready for our post treatment. Unfortunately, once the needles were out – I REALLY REALLY had to pee and couldn’t stop thinking about it. The nurse gave me permission to have a little pee – just one cup. I can’t tell you how tempted I was to just let it ALL out; however, I followed the strict orders. The relief lasted maybe five minutes before the immense pressure was back…

The clinic was running a little bit behind, something you never want to hear when you have to pee so badly but thankfully my Doctor was telling the nurse that he HAD to be out of the office by noon so they couldn’t delay much longer. I knew I loved this Doctor for a reason, haha!

They took us back to the procedure room after my husband and I had donned our trendy gowns, caps and booties (socks for me). It was funny watching my husband getting all squeamish as he does NOT do well with anything medical really… We sat chatting while the ultrasound nurse checked that my bladder was full, which it absolutely was and thankfully she agreed. Then we waited for the doctor to arrive. It was funny, they have this little fogged glass window in the room that leads directly to the embryo lab so they just open the window and request the embryo needed. The Doctor told me we had a grade 5 blastocyst which apparently is really good! He inserted the catheter and the speculum and before we knew it, they were handing us a printed out photo of the embryo in my uterus!

After a few minutes, they walked me back to the recovery area where I had to wait 5-10 minutes before I could go pee and gave me my medication instructions while I was waiting. I am to continue on will all of my meds as usual (prenatal vitamins, Vitamin B complex, Estrace tablets vaginally 3x/day, Edometrin Vaginal suppositories 2x/day,  Estrogen patch 100mg every other day, Progesterone In Oil 50mg 1/day). I lasted about 6 minutes before running to the washroom and it was possibly the longest pee of my life. Once my bladder was empty, the acupuncturist proceeded to complete my post-procedure treatment and a half hour later I was free to go!
I have strict instructions to do as little as possible for the weekend and I’m considering taking an extra day off on Monday just in case. My husband has been taken great care of me and taking on all of the extra duties around the house for a few days. The hardest part of this is not cuddling with my puppy on the couch as she is a 140lb furnace when she cuddles and I’m to avoid any excess sources of heat as my body temperature tends to run a little high anyway. Other than that, we have instructions not to have sex for two weeks, no baths – only showers, and to return to the clinic on Oct 11th for the pregnancy test.

I am officially PUPO and I must say it’s a super weird feeling. While relaxing all weekend I have been over analyzing every twinge I feel. I’m not really excited right now but a little bit of hope is starting to blossom….