A night out with my girlfriends…

There’s nothing like a night out with my girlfriends to remind me that I’m not a mom. I think I can manage to keep the conversation focused on work for nearly 5 minutes before it turns to kids and everything of the topic. It can be difficult. I love spending time with them but everytime it hurts more. I sit quiet in the proverbial corner as they discuss everything  kids and I just have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I’m jealous. I’m sad. I’m annoyed. Yet who  am I to feel as though the biggest part of their lives shouldn’t be discussed just because I’m around. Just because I have trouble dealing with all of the feelings it brings to the surface.

A part of me wants to pull away,  stay at home in the comfort of my home where I can regulate those feelings and limit my exposure to mom talk.  But I love my friends. Our girls nights are so rare to begin with that I wouldn’t want to miss them… Until I remember what they entail. No wonder infertility makes you feel so alone and secluded.

I write this post in the movie theatre,  waiting for the movie to start and for my friends to get back with their snacks. I’m here to watch Sisters…a movie for a mature audience…. And someone sitting directly in front of me just sat down with a baby.

I wish I were kidding.

Schrodinger’s Cat

We have been waiting for a long time to get started in this process. Up until now, it hasn’t been up to us when we start. When funding was announced for Ontario, I put our names on the waiting list, just in case.

Since then, we have met with our donor to discuss where we stand. She is still breast feeding but things are progressing simultaneously. In conjunction with our fertility clinic, a date was set today for our donor to complete the remainder of the screening process. Which coincidentally means that now the financial aspect of the whole situation is also progressing. Stress. Excitement. Fear…. the list goes on.

How do I make more money to cover all of the costs? I have sent out many resumes over the last few months and have heard NOTHING back…I have full time employment but would really prefer some extra income. Our town has the highest unemployment rate in the country. Thankfully we are both employed but it definitely reduces our options  for obtaining extra income.

More fear comes from the fact that up until now, I’ve been able to dream that everything will work out when the times comes. Now, the time may be upon us. What if it doesn’t all work out. What if there’s more wrong with me than we originally imagined. What if this takes more than one attempt… it’s hard enough coming up with the funding for this one.

I’m scared. Terrified, really. There are so many ‘what if’s…