For having known about my infertility for many years, you might think that I would have had time to “adjust” or “get used” to things around me that send me spiraling into frustration and self pity. I haven’t. There’s a good chance I never will. I will always see the world from the perspective that family is not to be taken for granted. That having the ability to procreate is a blessing that has not always bestowed upon the deserving. Family, and the privilege of making one, is something to be treasured. For me, it is something I yearn for.
I cannot begin to explain how frustrating it is to see countless teenagers being reckless, or simply under educated about pregnancy. I become envious of my friends who inform me that they are going to start trying to get pregnant, and after a month or three, Ta-DA!, they were successful. I have become somewhat resentful toward a couple of friends, who became pregnant within the last few years and simply found they were not ready to start a family and chose to terminate their pregnancies, leaning on me as a support system; both of whom were fully aware of my situation.
I grind my teeth through others’ complaints about how much pregnancy sucks, how their bodies are being ‘destroyed’, how much pain they are in, how sick they feel and how hard it is to get through a day. I listen to friends complain about their sleepless nights spent with crying babies, their waning sex lives and time spent alone with their husbands and the incessant crying they must endure. I silently scream for them to realize how lucky they have it and how much I envy those struggles they face; wishing I could replace their struggles for my own.
I have sat through my fair share of pregnancy announcements, baby showers and birth stories. Sat silently through groups of mothers discussing the frustrations, and joys, of parenthood. And visited the hospital to meet new bundles of joy that my dear friends have welcomed into this world. I cry tears of joy for them, and as I leave I shed a few tears for myself. They’re full of fear, jealousy, anger, frustration and hope.
After having said all of that, I would never wish for others to endure what I have been through or what I will go through as any sort of “punishment” for their complaints or struggles. Each of us are fighting our own battles with what we have been given in this world. I find comfort and solace in the infinite number of things for which I am thankful for in my life. I remind myself often that as I have never been pregnant, or a parent, I do not know their frustrations, their pains and difficulties. I hope that one day I have the chance to face them myself, and am thankful to know that I will have any number of friends who will be able to sympathize with me then.