Officially non-viable. 

Due to the holidays being right in the middle of my beta needs, I had to wait 5 days from my last beta which was only 19 to confirm what the Doctors suspected. I had to get different paperwork to get my blood drawn at a local lab as both of my clinics are closed over the holiday. They had instructed me to go to my family doctor to have the HCG tested but when I called, I learned that they were closed even longer than my fertility clinics!!

I had spotting that started on Christmas Eve so I knew what to expect. I thought I would be able to escape having a miscarriage over Christmas – and I guess I still was for the most part but the spotting continued until Boxing Day before it stopped. Today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I was finally able to get my blood work done at a local lab that I found where I could check my results online; there was no way I was waiting another week for my Doctor to interpret my results.

I had confirmed with the nurse last time I spoke with her that if there was a significant drop and I was close to or less than 5, I could stop the meds. So…my beta came back this morning at 9  which is the significant drop they were waiting for – this pregnancy is confirmed to be non-viable and all of my medications have officially been stopped.

Did I mention that pregnant my sister-in-law who I haven’t seen in months (whom I was anxious about seeing because I had not seen her with a belly yet), showed up to Christmas Eve (the night I started spotting) wearing a Christmas shirt that said “Baby” with a candy cane heart across her stomach?! It hurt. I was already having a rough time with everything and already having anxiety about the holiday and that was like a kick in the stomach. AND SHE KNOWS WHAT WE’RE GOING THROUGH!!!! I’m not saying she shouldn’t be able to experience all of the fun and amazing aspects of pregnancy but maybe be a little bit more sensitive?! Her step-daughter (she has 4 step-children with her partner) even made a comment about how she had already worn the shirt twice this week, so it’s not even like she had JUST received the shirt and wanted to wear it for the first time.

I don’t think it’s all hit me yet. I pushed everything deep down over Christmas and slapped a smile on my face to put people at ease. Even though we told my family where things were headed,  it felt as though no one really understood. I don’t feel like anyone really understands that I am pregnant but now headed for yet another early miscarriage. I’m sorry, I know what I am experiencing is no where near as awful as seeing those ultrasounds or heartbeats and then finding out later that the baby has died,  but I’m still losing my baby. I’m still doing everything I can not to crumble into a million pieces.  It’s still devastating losing this pregnancy at 6 weeks as it’s the furthest we’ve ever made it. 

I’m going to try to go to sleep and find comfort in the fact that I’ve survived every hard situation in my life to this point –  what’s one more… I’m strong and even though I feel alone in this grief right now,  I will get through it again.  

I Here we go again…

It has been a long two week wait.

I started testing at home at 9dp5dt and got a positive but it was very very faint. Not what I was hoping for at 9dp5dt. Seems as though everyone’s positives from the same timeline have dark pregnancy test lines that miracles are made of. Not me. Immediately I had a feeling we were headed toward a chemical pregnancy again.

I waited two days, until 11dp5dt to test again as I figured if it was going to be viable, it would be darker and if not, it would be getting lighter with the two day wait. Lucky me – the test was pretty much the exact same darkness as the first. WTF is that?!

Another two days passed and on 13dp5dt I took another home pregnancy test with absolute certainty that it would be a negative by this point. I was scheduled to go for bloodwork at my clinic the next morning so I wanted to be able to prepare myself; however, this time the line showed up darker and quicker. There was no doubt about it, things were progressing. I wasn’t fooled though, I knew that at 13dp5d if this has a chance of being viable, the test would be significantly darker by this stage, right?! But now there were feelings of hope going through my head. What if this is it?!

I went to the clinic bright and early, wondering what my Beta would come back at. Last cycle, I had tested the day before bloods and it came back negative. My beta registered at 14 the following day (chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage #1). I figured with the HPT line being as dark as it was, my beta would be higher, but still lower than it should be. Let me tell you how fucking surprised I was to find out that my beta for this cycle was ALSO AT 14!!! How the fuck does that happen??? I used the same brand of test, tested in the morning, and did everything the same as last cycle with two significantly different HPT results but exact same Beta!

I went back again today to complete a follow up beta – it has come back at 19. Looks like this most likely will not be a viable pregnancy again. I am 5 weeks today. I have been instructed to keep taking my meds and I’ll have to go in to see my family doctor at some point over the holidays to have another Beta completed to ensure that my levels are dropping (as my clinic will be closed after tomorrow).

Fuck.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

Merry Christmas to us…

Here we go.

Since Thursday, I  had been battling some of the mental side effects of this chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage; however, I also felt somewhat numb to it all. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be too bad after all – I would have my period and it would be done with.

That was until this morning…when I started to bleed and realized that this isn’t quite like a normal period and I couldn’t keep telling myself it is. I had been cramping all night; which in turn, led to me tossing and turning until the wee hours of the morning. I got up to use the washroom around 2am but only had some light colouring on my liner so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Waking up to my alarm this morning was a different story…

TMI WARNING!!! (PS. Does ANYONE in the infertility world ACTUALLY stop reading with these warnings or are we all equally desensitized to all the “gross” bodily functions we talk about?!)

By the time I got to the washroom and jumped immediately into the shower, it was like a death scene from a horror film – except it was all clots. The cramps are awful so I just laid at the bottom of the shower for a while, letting the hot water run over my lower abdomen.

Less than an hour later I am sitting at work, wondering just how bad this is going to get and how often I’m going to have to sneak into our single toilet co-ed washroom (one for every single person I work with to share) to change out my tampon or pad; which ever I decide might be more effective.

Then, there’s the mental side of things…

The numbness I had been feeling had helped me to put on a mask around co-workers, friends and family. It had allowed me to avoid crying (for the most part) throughout this process and carry on, nearly as if nothing traumatic was occurring. Right now, I just want to be alone, which is difficult as I am at work and do not have my own office to hide in. I have been asked out for a girls night this evening by my co-workers and feel like I should go as I have missed a few with everything that is going on.

I certainly don’t feel like going; however, I’m running out of excuses as to why I can’t go…and certainly don’t want to just come out an tell them that I don’t want to go as I am currently bleeding out what is the the closest I have ever had to a baby. That escaping to the washroom at a billiards hall to change out yet another blood/clot soaked pad/tampon seems like a nightmare to me – all while plastering a smile on my face and talking about how shitty their lives are currently going.

I think this is going to be more difficult than I initially anticipated….

How fitting…

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day; coincidentally, four days ago I got confirmation that our transfer was successful but our Beta was low. Two days ago, I got confirmation that it is a chemical pregnancy. Today I would have been 5 weeks pregnant and instead I am awaiting the arrival of my period/the start of an early miscarriage.

It’s heart wrenching and oh so disappointing. The good news I guess is that the embryo had implanted, which is father than we’ve ever gotten. My hubby and I are trying to look on the positive side of it, yet I’ll admit, it has been difficult to do.

Once I start to bleed, it will mark the official end of FET Cycle #1. I plan to call our doctor this week to discuss our next steps. The only positive to this is that I can now take all of the cold medication I want right now to fight off this nasty bug I picked up at work…nothing like getting kicked while you’re down, right?!

Hugs and thoughts to everyone else out there who is remembering today. xo