The Catch Up – Going MIA (pt. 1 of 5)

It’s been five months, FIVE(!) since I’ve written here. This is due to a few different reasons; so let me explain…

One: My tablet sucked. Everything was slow and I would type something out and then have to sit there and wait for the words to actually appear on the screen. This was extremely frustrating to deal with; especially since the moments when I was wanting to write the most, I usually wasn’t in the best of headspace. That being said, after Christmas there was a significant sale on a new tablet that I wanted, so I bit the bullet and treated myself; I had my sister order the tablet for me as she lives in the and town as this store and was willing to pick it up rather than pay for shipping. Unfortunately, this didn’t go according to plan.

The company I was forced to order from (everyone else was already sold out) processed the order but didn’t actually have any in stock; which I was actually perfectly ok waiting for as I still wanted to sell my old tablet. Well fast forward to 6 weeks, many phone calls, emails, and store visits later and I still did not have my new tablet. They initially told me that it would be in stock in a approx 2 weeks. Then, they told me that by Jan 28th it would be in. At this point I had been looking at their current sales flyer and noticed that they had the tablet on sale again (although nowhere close to the discount I got during Boxing Day sales) so how the actual heck could they have something on sale that they couldn’t actually seem to get in stock?! My sister went back to the store on Jan 31 and was then told that they hadn’t gotten their stock in and that we were now looking at receiving it FEBRUARY 26!! That’s TWO months after I ordered it, with no guarantee that it would be in then.

My sister very generously offered to cancel the order and purchase the tablet from a different store for me and cover the difference of how much I had gotten it on sale for. Although it was a very kind offer, I in no way wanted this to cost her anything as she had done everything as a favour to me already. I told her I would wait until the end of February and just see how it all played out.

A week later, while sitting on bed rest from a recent FET (more on this later), I was startled by a knock at my door. My amazing sister had sneakily cancelled my order and purchased me my tablet from Amazon and had it shipped right to me! I have to tell you, I cried. A lot. I phone her immediately and all she said was that she wanted me to have something to do while I was on bed rest. Oh I cried so hard. She laughed but then told me to stop crying because she was at work and I was going to make her cry too!

Two: In addition to having a shitty tablet to use, I had done a lot of my blogging over the years while at work; however, the past while has just been super busy and seems as though there is no time for it anymore.

Three: Lacking motivation. It’s been hard for me to find the motivation to write a woke lot over the past few months as I feel like it’s just been blow after blow for us in this journey. That being said, it is time that I start again, I’ve felt the need for a while now and I’m ready.

So here I am, back at it, with a few more posts coming to tell you about life over the past five months.


The follow-up.

I started writing this post on June 22 but have not come back to complete it until now…

I FINALLY had my follow up appointment – for my March cycle. Yes, you read that correctly. As previously mentioned, my clinic does not reach out to you after a cycle; therefore, it has always been up to me to call them when I am ready. This time it took a little longer for me to reach out and give them a call. When I did, the receptionist asked me if I really needed an appointment or if I could just email her the questions that I had for the Doctor and she would review them with my RE and get back to me. So that’s what I did. I had quite an involved list of questions because, you see, we only have 3 embryos left. Three tries and that’s it as far as I can see. Even if we could as our friend (and egg donor) to go through the process again, we couldn’t afford it; and honestly, I’m not sure if she’d even be willing.

So I sent her the email with our list of questions. It took her a number of days to get back to me, just to have her leave me a voicemail telling me that I indeed need an appointment, she offered me a date (which obviously did NOT work within my schedule as I was out of town speaking at a conference), and proceeded to tell me that she hopes that date works for me as my RE is about to go on a month long vacation and fitting in an appointment right now is difficult. Excuse me?! It wouldn’t have been so difficult if you had booked me an appointment three weeks ago when I had originally asked for one!! I informed her that I would not be able to make the appointment she gave me but she was able to re-book it for the following week; which, happened to be yesterday.

My anxiety began creeping in a week leading up to the appointment. Not that I felt I had anything to worry about, just that it was bringing everything back to reality – you see, I had been sticking my head in the sand since March and had ignored the whole process. Now it was time to face it all over again. Yesterday morning, I woke up at 5:30am and was on the road by 6:15am to make the drive to my clinic for 9am. I really don’t like being late so I gave myself just shy of 3hrs to make the 1h40m drive. Yeah, I’m crazy like that, plus I knew I would be facing some big city rush hour traffic as well so it allowed me for some slowdowns. Well, let me tell you – I was fifteen minutes late for my 9am appointment because of all the traffic/accidents on the way. Cue the stress and anxiety. As my clinic is downtown, I also take the subway system part of the way so that I only have to face the highway craziness, not the downtown drivers as well. Being late meant that I had to RUN the 5 blocks from the subway station to my clinic; and, let me just say – I sweat on a cool day, sitting still…let alone on a high humidity sunny day, running 5 blocks. It was not a pretty sight.

My appointment didn’t get much better from there. Thankfully, I love my RE, he has always been amazing and comforting with everything that we have faced. I apologized to him for being late and his response was “I think we have a long enough relationship for you to be late once!” I appreciated the sentiment but immediately we jumped straight into the deep end of our conversation. He started by telling me that if money weren’t an issue, ideally he would move to discussing surrogacy as this would be the easiest solution for us bringing a healthy baby into this world.

Have you, dear reader of this blog, ever fallen on your back and had the wind knocked out of you? Well, that’s how it felt. 

He immediately clarified that he was not giving up on me, nor would he ever do so; however, it made things very clear as to where his thoughts stand and the likelihood of us ever being successful. Three embryos. That’s it, that’s all we have to work with.

My RE had printed out my list of questions I had sent ahead and went through each point one by one, explaining why we should or shouldn’t try each item. We discussed a number of different medications and have settled on adding in a blood flow medication closer to transfer, in addition to a high dose of ibuprofen and an extra shot of PIO to reduce my uterus from cramping at the time of transfer. We will continue to do the Estrace tablets and patches, as well as the POI injections, and aspirin. He mentioned Viagra again but my last cycle was my most successful lining thickness and we didn’t use the Viagra so he let me off the hook for that one! It’s probably the worst for me, symptom-wise, so it’s best if I don’t have to take it. We will also complete Matris testing again prior to transfer to check the quality of my lining.

He brought up the possibility of doing ERA testing (Endometrial Receptivity) which I’m a bit hesitant to do at this time. He doesn’t think it’s necessary at this point, stating that if we only had one or two embryos he might be more apt to push it. We talked about how our last cycle may have just been a byproduct of statistics; something I had wondered about all along. My lining had been the thickest they had seen it, the embryo looked beautiful, transfer went off without a hitch; yet for some reason our pregnancy test was negative. In my heart I believe it’s because of statistics. Each of our previous cycles had resulted in at least a positive pregnancy test (even if we haven’t made it further than that…) so what were the chances of another positive test when only 60% of transfers work in the first place.  I’m also hesitant to complete the ERA testing because of the cost. The test itself is $1075 to have done PLUS the cost of a cycle’s worth of medication – all to wind up not completing a transfer. Then, if my endometrium isn’t receptive, would I not have to repeat the process again, have another biopsy, spend all the money just to confirm that my endometrium IS receptive on whichever day they think it is?! We just don’t have the money for this right now, just going through with another FET cycle will be pushing our limits right now, so to me, at this stage, it would feel like throwing away money that we don’t have.

So as things stand, we are hoping to go ahead with a cycle starting in September. We’ve taken the summer to just enjoy ourselves, and each other, without the added stress. I think this is the best option for us right now as summer always helps me to refill my happy-meter. I’m nervous about starting another cycle, yet itching to get going. Being in this holding pattern is an odd feeling because part of me feels like we’re wasting time, even though I know it’s what is best for us.

Hope everyone has been enjoying their summer so far!


A little piece of happiness

So the countdown is (sorta) on as we head toward CD1 of our FET#1. I stop bc on Saturday and should be calling in CD1 on either Monday or Tuesday of next week. It’s pretty exciting,  somewhat terrifying but we’ve been waiting since June 18th when our fresh transfer was cancelled to start again – and it’s felt like forever. The summer has been amazing and I have been so ridiculously busy with so many fun weekends I had pre-booked “just in case” our June transfer wasn’t successful – SO happy I did. I’m hoping to post more on my summer shenanigans later this week but I just wanted to show the few people who follow this blog something that made me smile today when  I went out for some “while I still can”  sushi! Fingers crossed it means what I hope it does!!!