The new plan.

First off, an update since my last post.

My last cycle came to an official end on Dec 31. I took this as a symbol of a fresh start with the new year – see you never fucking again 2016!! Hello 2017!

 I could feel the hormones wear off as the days passed and I got back to the gym a little bit which has helped incredibly with my mental health. That last cycle was a real bitch. I was most affected by side effects from the medication; from feeling the mood swings from hormones to having the skin on my neck blister and peel from the Viagra. It was awful but it’s what we do when we want something oh so much!

So finally, two weeks after starting birth control I made the call to our RE to find out the next step for us to take. As much as I had wanted to know our plan earlier, I needed time. Time to get my hormones levelled out, to get my head straight and to just chill the fuck out. I hadn’t even cried since finding out that our pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy and that it was ending again, I had shoved it all so deep down that although the emotions always seemed to feel right at the surface, they seemed to stay buried.

That changed the day I called the clinic. I had left a message for the receptionist to let her know that we had an early loss (my monitoring is completed at a different clinic in an entirely different city) and I was calling with regards to getting a plan in place for moving forward. She called back the next day looking for clarification and informed me that the last beta she had on my file was only 9 so it wasn’t a chemical nor was it an early miscarriage as 9 is technically a negative result. She went on to say that for it to be a chemical pregnancy, my beta would have needed to have at least gotten into the double digits. I quickly explained to her that my earlier betas HAD gotten into the double digits and that my beta of 9 was the final bloodwork I had completed before stopping meds.

You want to know how she replied? (you really don’t as I know anyone reading this blog is going to find this as awful of a response as I did)

“…Bummer.”

No joke.

She proceeded to ask if I wanted an appointment with the RE or if I just wanted him to write up another protocol and send it over. I quickly tried to ask for an appointment and say goodbye before hanging up as I could barely keep it together. I bawled – a big, heaving, ugly, sobbing cry. My phone immediately starting ringing again and I saw that she was calling back but there was no way I could answer so I let it go to voicemail. Then she called again, right after. I thought maybe she had realized what she had done and was calling to apologize. I listened to the voicemail and it said that she had just gotten a call after we hung up (it must have been her very next call because she was calling me back within 2 minutes) with a cancellation for 930am the next day and was wondering if I could make it as it is in the city 2 hours away. I immediately contacted my boss to take the day off and called her back to take the appointment.

I worked until midnight that night and was rather tired from my big sobfest but was up at 5am the next day to catch the bus, which took me to the train, which got me to the subway system that took me two blocks from the clinic. I made it a half hour early and waited in the waiting room with a number of other patients. I usually have no problem driving to the clinic; however, we had a solid 24+ hours of freezing rain and didn’t want to get my car into an accident on the busy highways.

My RE came out to the waiting room to get me himself and sat with me for over half an hour as we discussed our next plan. He’s amazing and every time I see him, I’m reminded of that. My RE cares about me and that alone means the world to me. He even told me that he wants to get me pregnant because he wants me to get him out of my life as soon as possible. He also told me that I’m a tough project for him – which is par for any kind of medical issues that I’ve had and I always hear this from Doctors; I kind of find it entertaining now, especially since I know he’s working super hard to finish this project. Between the afternoon that I got the last minute cancellation to the next morning at 0930am, my RE had met with the head Embryologist and his team to come up with a new plan for me and get new ideas.

He is still trying to avoid using Neupogen in my cycles so the plan we have moving forward is this:

  • They will be trying to mimic a natural cycle (which I have never had)
  • As I am on BC now, I will continue to take it for the usual 21 days and stop and have a bleed
  • I will call in my CD1
  • On CD3 I will start Menopur 75 units for 11 days (dose may be adjusted based on FSH levels)
  • Somewhere between CD3 – CD6 I will have an Endometrial Scratch done
  • After 11 days on Menopur, he will jack up the dose to 300 units for 3 days
  • I will then take 10,000 units of HCG
  • Three days later I will start on 50mg (1cc) of PIO shots
  • On day four of PIO, I will have another Matris Ultrasound to check the receptivity of my endometrial lining
  • On day four, I will also start 5 days of Medrol (corticosteroid)
  • If my Matris score is between 6-10, on day six of the PIO shots I will have the transfer

I have been fully warned that this may not work as there is no way to know how my endometrial lining will respond to these medications. He was worried that perhaps the Viagra is only creating a cosmetic effect for my lining; therefore, although it is getting thick enough the quality might be suffering. I had suggested the scratch, which he was supportive of, as well as Prednisolone but he was hesitant to us it. He has prescribed a different corticosteroid, Medrol, for the days surrounding the transfer.

Fingers crossed for this upcoming cycle. Let’s hope we’ve found the right steps to make it a successful one!

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I hate what infertility has done to me.

I HATE infertility for what it has done to me.

I broke down this morning, alone and in the shower, because everything just got a little too hard; a little too heavy.

I am a happy and outgoing person; I refuse to use past tense because I will not admit defeat. I WILL NOT give infertility the power of defeat over me. Not yet. I am a happy person, an outgoing individual who has always believed that there’s a reason behind everything. I am not religious, so personally I do not believe that reason is any form of God controlling my destiny. That being said, I always lead my life with the belief that life handed me lessons and it was my job to learn from those lessons and move forward; thus, everything happens for a reason.

I am losing sight of those reasons lately. I am losing sight of myself.

I have been finding social gatherings more and more difficult as there are SO MANY triggers. How do I make this stop? I’ve been turning down more offers to hang out with people because it is so FUCKING hard. Nearly all of my friends either have kids or want to party like they’re in college. Going through DEIVF, I have significantly reduced any drinking that I do, or if in a current cycle, I don’t drink at all. It’s just not my scene any more (not that it was ever really my scene but I’d imbibe once in a while at social events). So that leaves the other half of my friends, the parents. Unfortunately, children are a trigger for me, even the ones that are nearest and dearest to my heart. HA. What a joke that is.

I have been fortunate to be surrounded by Ah-mazing friends and family, who I know just want me to be successful in this journey. Unfortunately, none of them will ever understand. There’s always a huge elephant in the room when I get together with them and so I have unintentionally been pushing them away. As time passes and we do get together for a social event, the growing distance between us becomes even more evident and I start to feel left out; though, I know I’m the reason that is happening. I know they are here for me but how long are they really going to wait to get their friend back? For me to go back to normal? Let’s face it, will that ever really happen? Even if I ever do come out successful at the end of this infertility journey, I’ll never be the same again will I? Infertility changes you.

The deeper we get into this DEIVF journey, the more fearful I become that I won’t be able to pick up all of the pieces of my former self. I’m scared that I won’t recognize who I have become, because really it’s already starting to happen.

Who is this woman who gets home from a day at work and doesn’t have enough physical or emotional energy to do anything else?

Who is this woman that holds it all in until one day the walls break and tears are shed in the shower; only to then pull herself back together for a little bit longer to prove to the outside world that everything is fine.

Who is this woman who feels so alone, yet is surrounded by so many loving and amazing people?

Who is she? I’m afraid I don’t know anymore.

FET Cycle #1 – 6dp5dt

Oh. My. Goodness. This has been the longest two weeks ever. OH WAIT, I’m only six days in.

I really don’t know how much longer I can wait at this point but I’m torn. The longer I wait to take the test, the longer I can hold onto the hope that it worked; however, as soon as I see that negative I know it’s over for this cycle.

 I was silly and bought some pregnancy tests the other day, I should have waited longer as then they wouldn’t even be in the house and testing early wouldn’t have been an option.

I read an article on Pinterest yesterday called “The 8 Stages of the Two Week Wait” and it couldn’t have been more accurate:

  • The No Big Deal stage
  • The OMG I just know I’m pregnant stage
  • The Ugh, I just don’t think I’m pregnant stage
  • The Google is my best friend stage
  • The Boycott Google stage
  • The Ok, let’s take a home pregnancy test stage
  • The Gloom and self pity stage

And wait for it….

  • The Total insanity stage

This is my first ever two week wait and it fits me perfectly so far.

Now I’m just stuck at the stage of taking a home pregnancy test stage – to test or not to test, that is the question.

FET Cycle #1 – 2dp5dt

Thank you all for the good luck wishes…it seems to have helped!

On Friday, my husband and I awoke at 7am to get ready for the day. We were asked to arrive at the clinic in the city for 10:30, so due to morning traffic, we thought it would be best to leave by 7:50 to ensure we would not be stressed out by any traffic jams. We arrived in good time, getting to the clinic minutes after 10am. After checking in, we sat in the waiting room and spent time people watching.

My acupuncturist had hooked me up with another acupuncturist in the city so that I could have a treatment on the day of transfer and it turns out that they have a good working relationship with the clinic so they come in and do a pre and post transfer acupuncture session. Once she arrived, we introduced ourselves and she took control of everything from that point on. As this was our first ever transfer, she let them know that we were having acupuncture done and got us all set up in a recovery chair. The nurse gave my husband and I directions to put on the procedure gowns but explained it by saying – just do it like last time. I had to explain to her that although we’re doing a frozen embryo transfer, we have never done a (fresh) transfer before. She then stated, well – then it’s just the same as when you had the egg retrieval done. Again, I had the pleasure of explaining that we have never been through an egg retrieval as we had to use donor eggs right off the bat. She apologized and finally took the time to walk us through everything in the manner she should have in the first place.

Following the minor hiccup, the acupuncturist talked me through some deep breathing exercises and then proceeded to start the acupuncture treatment. I had needles from the top of my head to the top of my foot but I found it to be extremely relaxing.I had also finished the mandatory 1 liter of water that needed to be ingested 1 hour prior to the appointment…so I REALLY had to pee at this point. I said to my husband, who was waiting with me, that due to the acupuncture and the strong desire to pee myself – I really didn’t have any mental capacity left over to worry about what was about to happen. We were still feeling uncertain that my lining was even ready for the transfer so we had been just keeping our fingers crossed for the last few days.

After having the needles in for approx. 25 minutes, the acupuncturist removed them and left to wait in the waiting room until we were ready for our post treatment. Unfortunately, once the needles were out – I REALLY REALLY had to pee and couldn’t stop thinking about it. The nurse gave me permission to have a little pee – just one cup. I can’t tell you how tempted I was to just let it ALL out; however, I followed the strict orders. The relief lasted maybe five minutes before the immense pressure was back…

The clinic was running a little bit behind, something you never want to hear when you have to pee so badly but thankfully my Doctor was telling the nurse that he HAD to be out of the office by noon so they couldn’t delay much longer. I knew I loved this Doctor for a reason, haha!

They took us back to the procedure room after my husband and I had donned our trendy gowns, caps and booties (socks for me). It was funny watching my husband getting all squeamish as he does NOT do well with anything medical really… We sat chatting while the ultrasound nurse checked that my bladder was full, which it absolutely was and thankfully she agreed. Then we waited for the doctor to arrive. It was funny, they have this little fogged glass window in the room that leads directly to the embryo lab so they just open the window and request the embryo needed. The Doctor told me we had a grade 5 blastocyst which apparently is really good! He inserted the catheter and the speculum and before we knew it, they were handing us a printed out photo of the embryo in my uterus!

After a few minutes, they walked me back to the recovery area where I had to wait 5-10 minutes before I could go pee and gave me my medication instructions while I was waiting. I am to continue on will all of my meds as usual (prenatal vitamins, Vitamin B complex, Estrace tablets vaginally 3x/day, Edometrin Vaginal suppositories 2x/day,  Estrogen patch 100mg every other day, Progesterone In Oil 50mg 1/day). I lasted about 6 minutes before running to the washroom and it was possibly the longest pee of my life. Once my bladder was empty, the acupuncturist proceeded to complete my post-procedure treatment and a half hour later I was free to go!
I have strict instructions to do as little as possible for the weekend and I’m considering taking an extra day off on Monday just in case. My husband has been taken great care of me and taking on all of the extra duties around the house for a few days. The hardest part of this is not cuddling with my puppy on the couch as she is a 140lb furnace when she cuddles and I’m to avoid any excess sources of heat as my body temperature tends to run a little high anyway. Other than that, we have instructions not to have sex for two weeks, no baths – only showers, and to return to the clinic on Oct 11th for the pregnancy test.

I am officially PUPO and I must say it’s a super weird feeling. While relaxing all weekend I have been over analyzing every twinge I feel. I’m not really excited right now but a little bit of hope is starting to blossom….

FET Cycle #1

So I started this post nearly two weeks ago, as a significant amount of time has passed, it will be a long one that will cover the entire period of time…

So I’m just over a week past CD1 of our first ever FET. I called the clinic last Thursday to call in my CD1 and to let them know I had gotten my period on the previous evening. I was scheduled for a baseline ultrasound and bloods the following morning – thankfully, my day off. At the clinic, the nurse informed me that my lining was currently at 5mm! I see this as being good as last time it was only three. Once I got home; however, I started thinking that since I was still bleeding heavily, it’s most likely that the measurement will go down before my lining starts to build up again.

The nurse called me that afternoon to instruct me to start my medication the next morning. I am to take Viagra 4x/day (vaginally) to help with blood flow to the uterus. I am also wearing an Estrogen patch, 100mg that I replace every 2 days. I am also taking the low dose Aspirin 81mg daily, along with the pre-natal vitamins, Vitamin E and Vitamin B Complex.

I started attending acupuncture appointments again and my acupuncturist has been extremely supportive and caring. She has me going in every 3 days or so and is doing what she can to help blood flow to my uterus in hopes that it will be more responsive this time. She has also been trying to reduce some of the side effects I have been having from the Viagra. Oh my – the nausea has been pretty consistent, along with the headaches and random bouts of becoming very flush.

I had a nine days before my next lining check and it measured at 6.6mm. Again, they called me a few hours after the ultrasound to tell me to continue taking all of the same meds as my Doctor wants my lining to be thicker. I was still struggling with the Viagra side effects pretty badly so I was frustrated that they were extending that one longer than expected. I was asked to return two days later for my next lining check.

I drove the 50 minutes to my monitoring clinic at 6am so that I could return back to work for 8. While I was getting the trans-vaginal ultrasound, the nurse told me that she had two measurements coming in over 7mm, and one measurement even thicker than that. I shed a few tears as I had prepared myself for bad news but hadn’t expected to hear something positive! Unfortunately, she had the other ultrasound tech come in to double check and I could tell something was amiss. She left the room and after I changed, I walked out and found three of them conferring with one another. The first nurse came to me and told me that it seems my lining was only measuring closer to 6mm. I left stunned and headed to work. They then directed me to add Estrace tablets 3x/day and stop taking the Viagra.

Another four days pass before my next check but the nurse had that morning told me my lining was again measuring above 7. I explained what had happened at my previous appointment but she assured me that all of her measurements were coming in thick enough. Afterwards, the called to tell me to start taking my Progesterone in Oil shots (25mg/day) for three days. I was then to increase the POI dose to 50mg and begin taking Endometrine vaginal suppositories 2x/day.

So that was last Saturday. I have been taking all of my meds & vitamins, eating healthy, going to acupuncture, using a heating pad and getting light exercise. I am now sitting here the night before transfer, hoping that tomorrow morning – after driving two hours to the clinic in the city – my lining will actually be thick enough and of good enough quality to follow through with our scheduled transfer. I hope that tomorrow night, I start my two week wait and can be considered PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Fingers crossed….. I’ll let you know.

Wish me luck xo

The Month of August (give or take a little) 

Before my last (cancelled) fresh cycle, I had made a conscious decision to schedule plans for the remainder of summer; some that I wouldn’t have been able to follow through with had our cycle been successful. With that, I can’t say enough how amazing the last month was for me. I took a forced break from infertility treatments so I decided to follow through with all of my scheduled plans to the fullest – I ate delicious food, drank yummy drinks and focused on me for a little bit.

In Canada, the last weekend of July/ first weekend in August is a long weekend. My husband had to work so I took the weekend to just relax with my puppy. Sometimes, all I need is a little down time to help me re-center.


The first full  weekend of the month, we had a girls day at my friend’s house, poolside.

 We indulged in strong drinks, great food and some awesome adult games.By the end of the night I was convinced that if I walked home (across town) I would have a much clearer head. My loving husband showed up and drove me home after I had walked approx.15 minutes – and was barely any closer to my destination! Thank goodness he knows me well – haha. The next day, we finished off the weekend by having a staff get-together at a co-worker’s house which was lovely. I chose not to have anything to drink as I still wasn’t feeling great from the night before but enjoyed a delicious potluck dinner.

The second weekend in August, my girlfriends and I attended Foam Fest, a 5Km fun run at Wasaga Beach. After an extremely hot and dry summer, it was the first weekend of rain we had. The run was rain or shine so we woke up early that morning and drove the 3 hours to the run location for our 10:30am start time. The run was fun and we then checked in to our super sketchy motel to have a fun night. We had planned to spend the day on the beach but due to the ongoing rain, we only managed about an hour of sand time. We ended up just having drinks in our room and catching up on each other’s lives – for the most part – though I didn’t share about my fertility journey as not everyone is in the loop.


The third weekend in August was spent camping with my husband and our puppy. It was an amazing weekend away. We stayed at a Provincial camp ground and our site was fairly isolated from anyone else. We went for late night walks under the stars; and on the second night, we were able to listen to the final Tragically Hip concert that was being broadcasted from a number of different campsites. The weekend was hot and dry until we woke up to rain on our last day. We packed up our tent in the pouring rain and headed home before breakfast.



The fourth weekend, I travelled to 6 hours to Montreal for my sister’s bachelorette party. We spent two nights in a gorgeous condo (Airbnb), enjoyed champagne, had some delicious food at amazing restaurants, went dancing, and toured around Old Montreal. It was wonderful; unfortunately, the drive was very long and due to having limited sleep, I had to pull over on the side of the road for a twenty minute nap. All in all it was a great weekend with a great group of girls.
Although last weekend was technically not a part of August, it’s still worth adding to the list My husband and I, along with his family and another close family that he grew up with, stayed at an island cottage in the 1000 Islands, about 2.5 hours away from where we live. It was an amazing long weekend. It’s was so relaxing and I couldn’t have thought of a better way to wrap up such an amazing month/summer.


Now I sit here patiently awaiting CD1 to arrive (literally could be any second now…) as we jump right back into our first FET cycle. I’m trying to keep some of my positivity from the last month going although some of the anxiety is starting to creep back in a little. But I’m ready to finally be moving forward again after our wait. Fingers crossed my lining will co-operate and we will be able to go through with transfer this time!

I’ve become a lot more quiet… 

Sometimes,  when my anxiety is sitting a little more in the forefront and my thoughts often flit to all things infertility, I find it so much more difficult to have the energy I need to give to other areas of my life. It can feel all consuming.  I believe I have previously mentioned that I work in a youth detention/custody – a place that requires a lot of emotional energy and personal effort to make a shift run smoothly – and some days I struggle to find that in me. I wish this wasn’t the case but there are days, more so than not lately,  that I just don’t want to go into work because I don’t have the energy I know it requires. 

Sometimes,  it presents itself in my struggle to tolerate other people’s negative dispositions,  moods or attitudes. I want to scream at some people that I really care for because I try my damnedest to have a good attitude despite everything on my mind and in my heart – yet they’re sitting there complaining about everything and having such a negative attitude about life and it’s absolutely draining. 

Yesterday I had a number of people approach me (who know me well and are aware of our situation)  to see if everything was ok as I was being particularly quiet (I withdraw when overwhelmed/upset/anxious/etc.) but I found that I didn’t feel like sharing that I was just having a rough day because of infertility. Period. Nothing particular had gone wrong,  we’re not currently in a cycle or anything but people just don’t get how emotionally draining infertility is and sometimes I find it pointless and exhausting trying to explain something to them that they’ll never understand. I don’t share all of my infertility/ivf thoughts with my husband,  family or friends because I hate the thought of that being the only thing they think I can focus on, or dominating all conversations. I choose the things to share with my husband because I want our relationship to be about so much more than infertility and IVF – plus,  I don’t want to force him to think about it nearly as much as it dominates my thoughts. It’s like getting into an argument in a relationship that you cherish – you choose your battles wisely; therefore, I carefully decide which discussions/thoughts are more important. Also, if anyone who isn’t struggling with infertility even had an idea of the thoughts and how all consuming they are, I’m pretty sure they would think I’ve gone off the deep end. 

When it comes down to it though, it’s exhausting. These feelings and thoughts are exhausting; especially for someone who withdraws when overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings.  Having the support of my husband, friends and family is wonderful but some days I wish we hadn’t told anyone because it would be less exhausting to fake my way through a smile when I’m struggling. It’s a win/lose situation really and there’s really no way around it.  

I certainly don’t want to make everyone think that I am unable to think of anything else – that’s not the case. When I’m participating in am activity, out with friends or involved in something particular, I’m usually all there. I can get away mentally from it all for certain periods of time, it’s the quiet times or the triggers that send my thoughts back to all things infertility…