How I’m failing.

This post could be focused on so many different aspects. Failing to get pregnant, failing to let it be, failing to save more money, failing to keep the weight off… the. list. goes. on. What I’m actually want to focus on is how I’m failing everyone around me.

 

Infertility is hard. Staying sane through infertility is hard. Keeping even a shred of your former self is hard. Over the last year, I have come to realize that I have been drowning; however, it has been a slow realization. A part of me thought that I was handling things rather well, and maybe considering the shit storm that is infertility, I actually am; just not in everyone else’s eyes. I know it’s easy to brush this off (as I have done for the better part of a year) and rest on the fact that I need to focus on me throughout this journey and who cares what everyone else things because THEY JUST DON’T GET IT. This is 100% true; however, I have tried very hard not to let infertility become my whole identity. Since I have been drowning in my own feelings, I have forgotten about the feelings of those around me and the affect that this has had on them.

 


I have been having some rather difficult conversations over the last month with those that I love and have been failing. My husband, my closest friends, and my family.

 

My husband and I do not fight a lot. Communication is key for the place we work and as a result, we do our best to communicate as effectively as possible at home too; unfortunately, because I have been in cycles and so emotional, there have been some things that my husband has just chose not to bring up. He finally shared those thoughts and feelings with me and although it hurt, it hurt mostly because I didn’t realize the ways in which I was neglecting him and hurting him with my actions or non actions.  I have been doing my best to take what he said and work toward making improvements. It helps that I haven’t had an abundance of hormones in my system lately and am able think a little more clearly. He wasn’t rude in telling me, he didn’t use mean words; yet I knew that he was feeling hurt and left behind. It’s hard that the focus has been on me for the better part of a year and although I tried to check in with him to see how he was doing, I didn’t do everything I could to really ensure that he was okay too.

 

Two of my really close girlfriends (one was my maid of honour and one I became super close with in the years following our wedding) are aware of my infertility journey. I’ve spoken about each of them before as they have always made an effort to be supportive but aren’t always sure how to do so. They both have two children each. They both live a different life than I do because of those children. Don’t get me wrong, I love their children, one of which is my Godson whom I absolutely adore; however, as you all know, it is not easy being around children when you’re going through this process. Mix that with me getting frustrated about having to schedule my life around their ‘mom schedules’, it all became too much. I spent more time at home, and spent more time segregating myself from others; to the point that I would just binge watch tv shows because it was just easier than hanging out with people. As time passed, I became jealous of their friendship with each other – which I know was just a product of my actions, the fact that they are both at the same place in life and their schedules lined up much easier with each other. I was sad that they were working out together the whole time while I was staying out of the gym to try to benefit this infertility process.

 

Both of these girls are amazing friends and I don’t know what I would do without them; it’s hard knowing that I have been pushing them away for so long and the effect it has had on our friendships. I approached my best friend a few weeks ago, on a particularly low day and burst into tears, telling her that I was worried that I was losing her, that I knew it was my fault, but I had absolutely no idea how to make things better because I was so wrapped up in this infertility bullshit. She assured me that she wasn’t going anywhere, that she was still my person, and that we could work it out. Since then, I have been putting forward a better effort to be a better friend and be there for her, as much as she has been for me.

 

Just this week, I spoke to my other friend while we were working a shift together. It was hard because she’s not as outwardly with her emotions and it was difficult to get her to really open up and be honest with her feelings. I knew I had hurt her with my actions and really wanted to sincerely apologize so that we could begin moving forward and getting back to where we used to be.

 

I have another friend who is long distance, she lives about 4 hours away from me and we only see each other 2-3 times a year. Again, since I have been so wrapped up in my own shit and have become reclusive, I have let our friendship down. Another failure of mine. When in a cycle I internalize everything and it’s hard for me to open up. I’m physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted all of the time and have very little energy for anything. I’ve allowed this to keep me from reaching out as much as I should, and that’s not right or fair to her. Since we don’t see each other very often, I need to be making my best effort. It’s been obvious that I’ve upset her too, so I have been making more of an effort to reach out to her and keep in touch.

 

Infertility sucks. It’s hard to navigate. Half of the time I don’t know my own feelings and yet I’ve put expectations on others to be able to navigate them when they’re around me. How is that fair?  I have started working on me again lately, and with that, working on who I am as a wife, a friend, and a co-worker. Let’s hope I can stop letting people down, because, honestly, I want these people to still be in my life when this infertility journey is over; I have sacrificed so much during this journey and I don’t want these relationships to be on that list.

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11 thoughts on “How I’m failing.

      1. Also, I have to add, I don’t think you are failing. In fact, I think you’ve been surviving and sometimes survival isn’t that pretty. Your doing your best and that deserves major credit and praise!

  1. So, I’m going to be that friend who tells you right now to stop beating yourself up and quit calling yourself a failure for not being everything to everyone. While it’s good to be aware of our behavior, honestly if you have to go recluse during this chapter, that’s what you have to do and you don’t need to apologize to everyone around you for it. Would you be angry at a friend who’d gone through a major loss simply because they weren’t able to be their “normal” self? Hell no, I know you wouldn’t, because you get it. Any good friendship has hills and valleys, and in my opinion the best ones are the ones where you can check out when you need to check out and they’re still there when you come back. The ones that fail are the people who won’t let you go through what you need to go through, who expect something in return even though they know you are deeply grieving. Infertility is such a weird fucked up thing in this society, people expect you to just be whoever you were before it hit, yet if you were to suffer another type of loss like the death of a partner, people give you all the time you need to go sit in the darkness and do what you need to do. Forgive yourself, my friend. You are not failing anyone.

  2. I think Aimee & MPB have said it all. You are not a failure!!! Well if you are I am too. You are a good wife and a good friend (I can be sure of that), you care enough to stop and think of others when you are trying to keep your head above water surviving all of this. Your friends who know you and what you are going through should respect your step back and I am sure will welcome you back with open arms when you are ready. I know I have drifted from people, my friends are all mothers and I have to fit in with their lives which is pretty hard when I do not live close to them. The difference is I have not told them what I am going through (my crazy way of coping). I must check in with them more, but yes I find it hard when our lives are in such different places. You are so kind to be thinking of others, you are certainly not failing. I feel I have just been in survival mode, as long as my husband is okay and I am still standing lol. xo

    1. Thanks love 💜 why the hell does this all need to be so difficult to navigate?! I’m tired of feeling like I’m letting everyone down. I know they’ll still love and accept me after but I also know that I’m hurting them in the process and that just adds to all the shitty feelings.

      1. We can not help but feel some guilt even if we shouldn’t, there is a lot of guilt attached to this shitty journey. Thinking about it all the biggest thing for me has been not been able to visit my family as much a I would like and I know this is time I will never get back. It is hard enough getting through this without the worry of how it is impacting everyone else. You should fully embrace the time between your next cycle! Make some plans between now and then to spend some real quality time with loved ones. I am sure this will make you feel better, even though you have nothing to feel bad about!

  3. You said it, infertility sucks. I’m sorry you’ve been having such a crappy time of it. It’s good that you have been able to reconnect with your friends recently. I have lots of mom friends and sometimes I find it such a hassle to try to meet because of their schedules. It can definitely be a lot easier at times to stay in watching netflix, especially when you are feeling sad. I generally find though that when I push myself and meet up with friends and tell them about what’s been going on, they are understanding and supportive. I hope you and your husband will also be able to reconnect. The thing is, in general men do have the MUCH easier part during IVF so it’s easy to forget about them a bit but I think a lot of them find it harder than they let on so it’s good to keep communicating. Hugs!

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