Due to the holidays being right in the middle of my beta needs, I had to wait 5 days from my last beta which was only 19 to confirm what the Doctors suspected. I had to get different paperwork to get my blood drawn at a local lab as both of my clinics are closed over the holiday. They had instructed me to go to my family doctor to have the HCG tested but when I called, I learned that they were closed even longer than my fertility clinics!!
I had spotting that started on Christmas Eve so I knew what to expect. I thought I would be able to escape having a miscarriage over Christmas – and I guess I still was for the most part but the spotting continued until Boxing Day before it stopped. Today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I was finally able to get my blood work done at a local lab that I found where I could check my results online; there was no way I was waiting another week for my Doctor to interpret my results.
I had confirmed with the nurse last time I spoke with her that if there was a significant drop and I was close to or less than 5, I could stop the meds. So…my beta came back this morning at 9 which is the significant drop they were waiting for – this pregnancy is confirmed to be non-viable and all of my medications have officially been stopped.
Did I mention that pregnant my sister-in-law who I haven’t seen in months (whom I was anxious about seeing because I had not seen her with a belly yet), showed up to Christmas Eve (the night I started spotting) wearing a Christmas shirt that said “Baby” with a candy cane heart across her stomach?! It hurt. I was already having a rough time with everything and already having anxiety about the holiday and that was like a kick in the stomach. AND SHE KNOWS WHAT WE’RE GOING THROUGH!!!! I’m not saying she shouldn’t be able to experience all of the fun and amazing aspects of pregnancy but maybe be a little bit more sensitive?! Her step-daughter (she has 4 step-children with her partner) even made a comment about how she had already worn the shirt twice this week, so it’s not even like she had JUST received the shirt and wanted to wear it for the first time.
I don’t think it’s all hit me yet. I pushed everything deep down over Christmas and slapped a smile on my face to put people at ease. Even though we told my family where things were headed, it felt as though no one really understood. I don’t feel like anyone really understands that I am pregnant but now headed for yet another early miscarriage. I’m sorry, I know what I am experiencing is no where near as awful as seeing those ultrasounds or heartbeats and then finding out later that the baby has died, but I’m still losing my baby. I’m still doing everything I can not to crumble into a million pieces. It’s still devastating losing this pregnancy at 6 weeks as it’s the furthest we’ve ever made it.
I’m going to try to go to sleep and find comfort in the fact that I’ve survived every hard situation in my life to this point – what’s one more… I’m strong and even though I feel alone in this grief right now, I will get through it again.