I hate what infertility has done to me.

I HATE infertility for what it has done to me.

I broke down this morning, alone and in the shower, because everything just got a little too hard; a little too heavy.

I am a happy and outgoing person; I refuse to use past tense because I will not admit defeat. I WILL NOT give infertility the power of defeat over me. Not yet. I am a happy person, an outgoing individual who has always believed that there’s a reason behind everything. I am not religious, so personally I do not believe that reason is any form of God controlling my destiny. That being said, I always lead my life with the belief that life handed me lessons and it was my job to learn from those lessons and move forward; thus, everything happens for a reason.

I am losing sight of those reasons lately. I am losing sight of myself.

I have been finding social gatherings more and more difficult as there are SO MANY triggers. How do I make this stop? I’ve been turning down more offers to hang out with people because it is so FUCKING hard. Nearly all of my friends either have kids or want to party like they’re in college. Going through DEIVF, I have significantly reduced any drinking that I do, or if in a current cycle, I don’t drink at all. It’s just not my scene any more (not that it was ever really my scene but I’d imbibe once in a while at social events). So that leaves the other half of my friends, the parents. Unfortunately, children are a trigger for me, even the ones that are nearest and dearest to my heart. HA. What a joke that is.

I have been fortunate to be surrounded by Ah-mazing friends and family, who I know just want me to be successful in this journey. Unfortunately, none of them will ever understand. There’s always a huge elephant in the room when I get together with them and so I have unintentionally been pushing them away. As time passes and we do get together for a social event, the growing distance between us becomes even more evident and I start to feel left out; though, I know I’m the reason that is happening. I know they are here for me but how long are they really going to wait to get their friend back? For me to go back to normal? Let’s face it, will that ever really happen? Even if I ever do come out successful at the end of this infertility journey, I’ll never be the same again will I? Infertility changes you.

The deeper we get into this DEIVF journey, the more fearful I become that I won’t be able to pick up all of the pieces of my former self. I’m scared that I won’t recognize who I have become, because really it’s already starting to happen.

Who is this woman who gets home from a day at work and doesn’t have enough physical or emotional energy to do anything else?

Who is this woman that holds it all in until one day the walls break and tears are shed in the shower; only to then pull herself back together for a little bit longer to prove to the outside world that everything is fine.

Who is this woman who feels so alone, yet is surrounded by so many loving and amazing people?

Who is she? I’m afraid I don’t know anymore.


7 thoughts on “I hate what infertility has done to me.

  1. This land of blogs reminds me of a bunch of women having their period at the same time just because they are around each other. Why do I say that right now? Because I’m literally in the middle of a blog post writing about the woman I used to be before all this… I stopped to come up for air and found blog post of yours you just posted, and I am so fucking pissed at Infertility for doing this to us. I had a pretty intense fight with my husband last night that led into this morning not related to DEIVF but that I found a way to connect to everything ( isn’t that how bad fights work…) including the old standby of maybe I don’t deserve to be a mother… even to the point of maybe I don’t deserve to have anyone in my life… you know, walk the world solo like Cain from Kung Fu… and I couldn’t even crack a smile saying that. I hate what infertility has done to all of us. I hate this role of infertility advocate that I didn’t ask for. I hate looking at old pictures of myself and wondering if I might have been fertile at that time, in those younger years, or if I’ve always been a ticking time bomb.

    I had 4 hot toddies in 3 days and realized I just don’t have a taste for alcohol like I used to. Now all I can think about is my uterus and the sugar content of alcohol contributing to the weight gain I already had over these past two years. I hate the fact that I’m also in the middle of a blog post talking about 2017 and that the spring will provide an answer to whether this is meant to happen or not physically, or if it’s time to finally call it quits. I’m so tired of trying to make a baby that I’m not even excited about adoption, as I have so little damn trust in anything anymore.

    Well there you go my Sally sunshine words for the day. I’ve got a 7-Day free trial of Showtime so I’m going to marathon watch Shameless season 7 and may or may not order a gluten free pizza.

    1. We all need a good rant every now and then, especially to the very few people who understand. Thanks for always being there with a comment or two to help validate how shitty this really is, it means the world!

  2. I feel so afraid sometimes that the lesson I will have to learn is how to be happy without children. I’m not sure if things are good or bad for me at the moment, we seem to be closer than ever to starting ivf, and yet little things – like my inability to be around babies and children at the moment, and lack of any attempt at understanding from my husband – are stacking up against me.
    So I’m reading this in bed at 03:25, after crying for an hour or so, my husband snoring beside me, totally oblivious after his night out on the beer. Our Christmas shopping may not happen tomorrow because we argued.
    I’m so sorry that any of us have to go through any of this, it’s so unfair. What’s even more unfair is that no one fertile understands, as you said. But, what I have found is, that isolating is not the answer. Even though people don’t understand, those that care about you want you to feel you can go to them when you’re in need. people generally want to help, I’ve found. But I also understand the feeling of not wanting to open up and be vulnerable.
    So I don’t really know what to say, other than that I’m thinking about you – and you, Amy! – and hope that 2017 will be the year that brings everything we’ve been hoping for. Xx

  3. I could have wrote this. My life is totally absorbed by this journey. The biggest gap between me and my ‘best’friends is not distance it is because our lives are so different due to me being childless and I think they can no longer relate to me. They are happy with their ‘Mummy’ friends who they connect easy with. This time of year is exceptionally difficult being childless, I am reminded how amazing my life could be with a child. I see children when I am out and about all excited for Christmas and I smile but then my heart feels heavy and I want to cry. Infertility has definitely changed me and think you are right we will never be the same again. The only gain is strength, but that is simply as a means to survive this. I feel like the past four years of my life were stolen! I wish we did not have to go through all of this, no one deserves this.

  4. I hate how infertility changes us too. It’s crap to feel sad so often and want to cry when you hear an unexpected pregnancy announcement when you should be happy for that person! I totally get the feeling like you don’t belong in either set of friends. I have single childless friends who want to drink loads, stay out late etc. Being with them is nice because they don’t talk about children so there are less triggers but when you’re in the middle of infertility treatments you need to live healthy so it’s better not to be drinking till all hours. But I don’t belong to all my friends who are parents and literally 90% of what they talk about is their kids. Thinking of you!

    1. You’ve put it perfectly and it’s exactly how I feel. You want to go out with your childless friends but hey, I’ve got to be home by 8 to take meds and can’t drink! Lol, such a kick in the ass. I guess I knew things would be hard but there are challenges, such as these, that I hadn’t prepared myself for! Guess that’s why we rely so heavily on this blogger friends! Xo

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