Since Thursday, I had been battling some of the mental side effects of this chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage; however, I also felt somewhat numb to it all. I thought maybe it wouldn’t be too bad after all – I would have my period and it would be done with.
That was until this morning…when I started to bleed and realized that this isn’t quite like a normal period and I couldn’t keep telling myself it is. I had been cramping all night; which in turn, led to me tossing and turning until the wee hours of the morning. I got up to use the washroom around 2am but only had some light colouring on my liner so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Waking up to my alarm this morning was a different story…
TMI WARNING!!! (PS. Does ANYONE in the infertility world ACTUALLY stop reading with these warnings or are we all equally desensitized to all the “gross” bodily functions we talk about?!)
By the time I got to the washroom and jumped immediately into the shower, it was like a death scene from a horror film – except it was all clots. The cramps are awful so I just laid at the bottom of the shower for a while, letting the hot water run over my lower abdomen.
Less than an hour later I am sitting at work, wondering just how bad this is going to get and how often I’m going to have to sneak into our single toilet co-ed washroom (one for every single person I work with to share) to change out my tampon or pad; which ever I decide might be more effective.
Then, there’s the mental side of things…
The numbness I had been feeling had helped me to put on a mask around co-workers, friends and family. It had allowed me to avoid crying (for the most part) throughout this process and carry on, nearly as if nothing traumatic was occurring. Right now, I just want to be alone, which is difficult as I am at work and do not have my own office to hide in. I have been asked out for a girls night this evening by my co-workers and feel like I should go as I have missed a few with everything that is going on.
I certainly don’t feel like going; however, I’m running out of excuses as to why I can’t go…and certainly don’t want to just come out an tell them that I don’t want to go as I am currently bleeding out what is the the closest I have ever had to a baby. That escaping to the washroom at a billiards hall to change out yet another blood/clot soaked pad/tampon seems like a nightmare to me – all while plastering a smile on my face and talking about how shitty their lives are currently going.
I think this is going to be more difficult than I initially anticipated….