Sometimes, when my anxiety is sitting a little more in the forefront and my thoughts often flit to all things infertility, I find it so much more difficult to have the energy I need to give to other areas of my life. It can feel all consuming. I believe I have previously mentioned that I work in a youth detention/custody – a place that requires a lot of emotional energy and personal effort to make a shift run smoothly – and some days I struggle to find that in me. I wish this wasn’t the case but there are days, more so than not lately, that I just don’t want to go into work because I don’t have the energy I know it requires.
Sometimes, it presents itself in my struggle to tolerate other people’s negative dispositions, moods or attitudes. I want to scream at some people that I really care for because I try my damnedest to have a good attitude despite everything on my mind and in my heart – yet they’re sitting there complaining about everything and having such a negative attitude about life and it’s absolutely draining.
Yesterday I had a number of people approach me (who know me well and are aware of our situation) to see if everything was ok as I was being particularly quiet (I withdraw when overwhelmed/upset/anxious/etc.) but I found that I didn’t feel like sharing that I was just having a rough day because of infertility. Period. Nothing particular had gone wrong, we’re not currently in a cycle or anything but people just don’t get how emotionally draining infertility is and sometimes I find it pointless and exhausting trying to explain something to them that they’ll never understand. I don’t share all of my infertility/ivf thoughts with my husband, family or friends because I hate the thought of that being the only thing they think I can focus on, or dominating all conversations. I choose the things to share with my husband because I want our relationship to be about so much more than infertility and IVF – plus, I don’t want to force him to think about it nearly as much as it dominates my thoughts. It’s like getting into an argument in a relationship that you cherish – you choose your battles wisely; therefore, I carefully decide which discussions/thoughts are more important. Also, if anyone who isn’t struggling with infertility even had an idea of the thoughts and how all consuming they are, I’m pretty sure they would think I’ve gone off the deep end.
When it comes down to it though, it’s exhausting. These feelings and thoughts are exhausting; especially for someone who withdraws when overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings. Having the support of my husband, friends and family is wonderful but some days I wish we hadn’t told anyone because it would be less exhausting to fake my way through a smile when I’m struggling. It’s a win/lose situation really and there’s really no way around it.
I certainly don’t want to make everyone think that I am unable to think of anything else – that’s not the case. When I’m participating in am activity, out with friends or involved in something particular, I’m usually all there. I can get away mentally from it all for certain periods of time, it’s the quiet times or the triggers that send my thoughts back to all things infertility…